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Eyes on Your Own Picture!

I’m about to share words with you that, if you take them to heart and heed my advice, will change your life.  Ready?

“When someone shows you who they really are, don’t try to paint a new picture.”

Please take a moment to let that statement sink in.  I’ll wait…

waiting-feature

Did they sink?  Good.

Now before I proceed, I must give you a bit of back story.

When Billy and I started living together our fights were frequent.  Frequent and explosive.  There were issues involved that I won’t go into but to bottom line it all I’ll just say while he and I have quite a bit in common, our life approach was vastly different.  We found ourselves fighting simply because we wanted the other person to react and/or respond in such a way that WE felt was right.  We wanted to dictate one another’s words and behaviors.  There was a lot of “YOU said that wrong thing” or “YOU did the wrong thing.”  Why was it all wrong?  Because we expected each other to follow leader – do it my way, say it my way or NO way because your way is wrong!   Instead of finding solutions we were creating more arguments.  Instead of accepting that each of us has an opinion, a method, a brain of our own we were attempting to force behaviors and reactions that weren’t natural to us.

Then one day I read those words and BAM!  It was like a lightening bolt has shattered my world but in a good way!

I gave our rough beginning some real thought and realized we need to stop being enemies and simply ACCEPT.  If he did something I disagreed with that did NOT make him wrong.  It only made him different.  If I said something he did not agree with that did NOT make me wrong.  It only made me different.  Different is okay.  Different is good.  In fact, I firmly believe different is necessary.  Otherwise, imagine the boring world we’d live in if everyone felt, thought, did the same things!

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I took my concerns to Billy and we talked about it.  We agreed something needed to change if we were going to make our relationship work and we agreed we did want it to work.  The love was there but the blinders were on and it was at that moment we removed them.  We decided the smartest approach was to stop working so hard to try and change each other but to change the way we reacted to one another.  Makes more sense, yes?  I think so, too.

See, when relationships are new there is a period, albeit brief, where we think we’ve found the PERFECT mate – this amazing person who will fill all of our needs, say all the right things and make all the right gestures of affection exactly the way we want them to.  Then that moment happens when you realize the person you’re in love with does not fit into your Fantasy World of Perfection.  You panic.  If you’re an idiot like me (I’m not scared to admit it), you think to yourself  “It’s okay.  I can make the necessary changes.” You set about this effort of trying to change the other person and (again, I’m an idiot) not giving one iota of thought to what YOU are doing wrong and how YOU can change.

I believe it is Stephen Covey who said something like we immediately become more effective when we realize we must change ourselves instead of expecting things to change for us.  My apologies if I’ve not quoted him verbatim, but you get the gist.  He uses this quote in a more business-like manner but the same logic applies.  For us to become the mate we want to be and speaking for myself, I want to be a good (make that great) partner then we need to search within ourselves, admit our mistakes and decide what needs to change.  It takes a lot of courage to face our own adversity.  It’s easy to sit around and point out troubles in others but to point out our own faults?  That is quite a challenge.

For me, it took deep soul-searching.  I had to go back and examine past relationships.  I had to give serious consideration to how I reacted to various situations from my past.  It was necessary for me to admit that I ALLOWED men in my life to affect the way I viewed myself and yes ladies (men too), we ALLOW others to muddle our perception of ourselves.  Once someone has made you feel inferior or insecure then it is absolutely crucial to recognize that we only feel that way because we have allowed someone to make us feel that way.  Once we understand that then it’s time to get to work on making changes because the truth is only we should have the power to dictate how we view ourselves.  Unfortunately for Billy, he had to witness my ugly self before I had the ability to show him my not so ugly self and let’s face it, our ugly selves can’t have a successful relationship.

CatLionMirror

 

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t believe all relationships are destined to be great.  The thing to remember is that while we all have our breakups they can serve as valuable lessons.  Instead of harboring bitterness or anger towards someone who has broken your heart, resolve to use that heartbreak as a tool for making you stronger.  Don’t carry around guilt or anger at yourself, most importantly.  Use that ugliness to make yourself more beautiful and instead of worrying so much about someone else’s behavior, work on your own.  Once Billy and I made the agreement to stop trying to change each other and work on ourselves our relationship became so peaceful.  Granted, we still have our moments mostly because I can be horribly bitchy sometimes (I always ALWAYS blame hormones because I’m a woman and I can) and he’s human so he has his icky moments but the bad moments don’t last a fraction of the time they used to last.   We acknowledge the bad then move on.  There is no more harping on mistakes.  There is now more time for love and talking instead of yelling, there is more time for happiness instead of going to bed angry and there is very little finger-pointing and blame.  Why?  Because we made the simple choice to keep our eyes on our own picture.

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Today’s Haiku

Betrayed by secrets

Hidden self nobody knows

No love within lies

images (3)

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Social Media: Helpful or Hurtful in Relationships?

Recently, I read an article about the use of social media and how we can use it in a positive way.  Being a complete Facebook addict and nosy by nature, I’m always curious to see how people use this particular outlet to engage with one another.

The article I read dealt with friendships and how to make social media work for us.  Sadly, what I see are a lot of people using social media as a communication tool in relationships and it’s working against us.  The rants and on-goings I’ve seen on Facebook are astounding.

I’m not innocent.  I’ve vented.  I’ve thrown my frustration out on to Facebook.  My feeling is most of us do this because we are seeking support.  We hope that someone will take our side, commiserate, and back us up on whatever it is upsetting us.  We need someone to stand up and go “Hey!  I know how you feel and you are right!”  It’s only natural for us to want to turn to friends in time of need.  Unfortunately, there is a flip-side – the people who use social media as a way to get back at someone who has hurt them.  I’ve seen it many times.  Being honest, I must admit I’ve done this, as well.  These kind of posts are passive-aggressive and unhealthy, to say the least.  When we replace verbal communication with a Tweet or FB status, we hurt ourselves and ultimately further hurt the ones we love.

So what is the solution?  I’ve given it some thought.  I came up with talking.

So simple it’s mind-blowing, huh?

To share a personal experience:  my boyfriend and I encountered problems from venting on Facebook.  Big problems.  We found ourselves in this very weird place where we would be sitting in the same room, venting on Facebook, commenting to one another on Facebook yet not speaking one single word to one another.  WE WERE IN THE SAME ROOM.  It quickly became cause for concern.  What did we do?  We put down our cell phones and started talking.  It was not easy.  We had gotten so used to throwing it all out in a public forum that speaking personally to one another seemed a bit foreign.  You’ve heard how sometimes it’s easier to write how we feel instead of speaking about our feelings?  It’s true.  He and I are both this way.  We are writers and written words are what we relate to.

It was slow at first.  Attempting to talk seemed to lead to more frustration, interrupted sentences, fighting, sleeping in separate rooms, and still even more silence but this time without using Facebook because we made the agreement we’d not do that ever again.  So, no Facebook venting, no talking…let me tell you that things will bubble to the surface quickly and explode.  This is exactly what you do NOT want to happen.  Avoid it.  Take time to make rules for communication.  Rules are perfectly acceptable, even desired in any relationship worth working on.  Make that promise to NEVER use social media as a way to communicate with the one you love.  Promise to listen.  Promise to speak to one another only after you’ve both had time to calm down.  Understand that no relationship is perfect and there will be miscommunication at times.  That’s okay.  Work through it TOGETHER.

There is a very real and palpable emotional detachment when we use social media as a way to communicate.  Often our words are misleading and come across as colder than we intended.  If we are determined to keep relationships alive and healthy we need the emotion.  We need to feel the love, the compassion, the acceptance and we need to know we’re actually being heard.  Those things are basic human requirements and by removing them we’re setting ourselves up for pain and loneliness.

Take the time today and every day to TALK to the one you love.  You’ll be amazed at how much it is appreciated and simply blown away by how much better you both feel afterwards.  Trust me.

P.S.  I’m happy to report that boyfriend and I are good now.  It has taken us about a year to truly learn how to communicate with one another and it’s not perfect but we are definitely in a better place.  The hard work was totally worth it.

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Today We Remember…

Today We Remember….

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Trifecta Challenge: Black Wings

Went to a dark place with this particular Trifecta challenge.

CRAFT (noun)

1 :  skill in planning, making, or executing :  dexterity

2 a :  an occupation or trade requiring manual dexterity or artistic skill <the carpenter’s craft> <the craft of writing plays> <crafts such as pottery, carpentry, and sewing>

b plural :  articles made by craftspeople <a store selling crafts> <a crafts fair>

:  skill in deceiving to gain an end <used craft and guile to close the deal>

My entry…

Punishment swift and vengeful

Devious, evil

Pain unrelenting

It burns, scorches my soul

There is no forgiveness for me or for her

Her craft – perfected in Hell

Black wings enfold me

Forever burning

MysteriousAngel-373896-1

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A Ridiculous Limerick :)

**DISCLAIMER:  If you are religious or offend easily, you probably will not find this funny.  STOP READING NOW!**  

The other night Billy and I were sitting around watching TV and we hear a news clip about a rock that went through a woman’s windshield.  The newscaster then says something to the effect of “you’ll never believe what was on her dashboard that saved her life!”

Billy looked over at me and said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if she had a bobble-head Jesus on her dashboard and that is what saved her life?’

His comment made this happen in my head…

There once was a redneck named Bubba

Who didn’t have time for a wife

He crashed his truck while holding a knife

And bobble-head Jesus saved his life!

bobble-head-jesus1 (1)

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Happy Halloween!

Saw this artwork and felt inspired.

Have a safe and Happy Halloween!

Witches and faeries delight in the sound;

Ghosts and goblins all dance around!

‘Tis the evening for frightening song;

It’s a spooky party so please come along!

Halloween

Artwork credit:  Serenade by Ron Byrum

 

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