Seriously, do you ever have mornings like that? You wake up and the last thing you want to do is get out of the bed and face the world.
And why is it when you have to get up and go to work “just 5 more minutes” turns into 45 more minutes and when you don’t have anywhere to be you can’t get those extra 5 mintes of snooze time no matter how hard you try? This happens to me all the time!
Well regardless, I’m up now. I’m blogging. Promised myself I’d do this everyday, or at least as much as possible this year, and give myself the opportunity to get some of this crap clogging my brain OUT. Releasing pressure, so to speak.
Where to begin…
For starters, homeschool begins again for my daughter next Monday and I’ve got a ton of work to get done. I’m the Queen of Procrastination, a long-held title that maybe I’m not so proud of. No doubt I’ll be scrambling this weekend to try and get lesson plans done.
I feel horribly guilty for not getting any work done for Ghost Walk yesterday, but I just couldn’t seem to find my mojo. Long gone are the days of Prozac and how I miss those days! The beautiful thing about Prozac is I could still be bummed out but I just didn’t care. I want THAT life back.
As it is, I care about a lot of things probably too much. I tend to dwell, I overthink, I rip things apart in my mind, think it all to death, make more out of what really is, and basically make myself nuts trying to answer questions that likely have no real answers. Or at least no answers that will make me happy. The truth is, I don’t have to like the answers – I just need to know what they are. And I’m tired. I am SO tired. Mentally drained. To the point where I’m simply stymied. I get stuck and when that happens I don’t function well on a day to day level. It’s like that saying goes “I’ve so much to do I just decided to not do any of it.” Easy solution right? Yea, not so much. Then I’m stuck all over again with the guilt of not accomplishing anything. It’s a seriously vicious and ugly cycle.
People have this impression of me, I believe, of a person who just doesn’t care. It’s not true. I do care. I care and I worry and I stress just like everyone else. The thing is, because of circumstances, I try really hard to bury it all and play the role of “strong one” when in reality, my strength is wearing out. It’ll be interesting if nothing else to see how far I can go before something completely breaks me.
Oh Prozac…come back to me! I miss health insurance more than I can say. I’ve got all of this “stuff” wrong with me, some of which is not good, and no way to fix any of it. Which brings me to yet another difficult task I must face – finding a job with benefits. I have a great job right now and would like to think that maybe it could turn into a full-time staff position but then I’m certainly not going to get my hopes up. So it’s dust off the old resume and get to huntin’. Soon. Very soon.
This year is going to be a GOOD year. I’ll see to it. Changes will happen and things will improve. Despite my whiny attitude this morning, I do feel somewhat positive about 2012. Happy New Year!