GUILT…It Really is a “Dirty Word”

What a day…and I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way.

We’re having such terrible electrical problems at our house that I felt it necessary to take Emily (my daughter) to stay with a friend until we could get the problems resolved.  It was the right thing to do, taking her.  I know this. 

However, on my way home it hit me that when I gave birth to my 8 pound bundle of joy 11 years ago, I also unleased at the very least a metric ton of GUILT.  Being a Mom is the hardest job on the planet.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  If they do, they are lying.

Never a day goes by that I don’t question myself as a mother.  I mean, I know that for the most part, I do right by my kid.  When it conerns daily tasks that come with parenting, I’m good.  But the big stuff?  Oy Vey!  There are times when I feel I’m failing her and it’s not fun.  Luckily, she and I are so close that our communication (at least until she becomes a teenager) is at an optimum.  We talk, we talk often, and we talk about everything.  If she feels cheated in some way, she tells me.  For this I am truly grateful.  The fact she can come to me with anything, I suppose, is proof I’m doing okay.  But still…the worry is always there, right under the surface, sometimes like an itch I simply can not scratch.

I’m also a single Mom which I think sometimes makes it harder, then knowing my ex-husband the way I do, I can sit back and be grateful he’s not a real part of the process of raising our child.  Oddly enough, I think Emily is a bit glad about that, as well.  The truth is she and I have this amazing support system so we really are blessed.

This year though, it is going to be about making money.  Money to provide better for her.  She owns my heart and I want her to be happy.  I want her to be warm, to feel safe, to know she can always count on me no matter what.  Ultimately the responsibility is all mine, and I’m okay with that.  But when I feel I’m failing her, jeez…the guilt can be absolutely mind-numbing.

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2 thoughts on “GUILT…It Really is a “Dirty Word”

  1. Even the best teenagers are difficult. My daughter is pretty mature for her age so while biologically she’s 10, her mentality is several years older. Honestly, I think the most important thing in any mom/kid relationship is communication and in my opinion, there are various forms of that. Since our kids aren’t always forthcoming in an actual conversation, we just need to watch and listen. My Daddy always told me that we can learn a lot by just observing, and it’s true. My daughter does talk to me a lot but there are times when she clams up. When our kids do that, just means we go into Stealth Mommy Mode and learn what we can by watching and listening. You’ve got LOTS of Mommy Experience! I’m sure you’ll be just fine! As for the guilt…all we can do is, at the end of the day, search around in ourselves to try and pinpoint the exact cause of it and then face it. Yesterday was like a whole process for me at which point, by the time my day ended, I was simply exhausted. Did I feel guilty for having to take Em to a friends house? Yes. What is the right thing to do under the circumstances? Yes. Have to let that guilt go. Do I feel guilty for not having the funds/resources immediately to take care of the electrical work? Yes. Can I fix this in the future by working harder and making sure I’ve got sufficient savings from now on? Yes. Gotta let that go then too. I’ve read your blogs and you seem to be really good at writing things out so keep doing it. I’m finding it most theraputic! But whatever we do, we mustn’t dwell on the guilt. We acknowledge it, we decide how to fix it, and then we move on with a plan.

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