I’ve definitely gotten to a point where, finally, I am comfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel the need to go on any crash diets because my ass might be too big, I don’t feel the need to own expensive clothes or shoes, I don’t feel the need to get the latest haircut so I give the appearance of being “modern.” I mean obviously there are things I do not love about myself (refer back to big ass). I can be a bit lazy and I love to sleep (to the point that if it were an Olympic sport you’d be reading a blog written by a Gold Medalist), I procrastinate because I can be lazy and I like to pretend I work better under pressure (which in some cases, really is true), and I don’t take care of myself the way I should. Being a Gemini and battling two of me makes me conflicted and contrary (I was born contrary and will die contrary) so sometimes making firm decisions is a pain in my big ass, but all in all, I feel very little if any guilt about any of these things I don’t love about myself. I used to. I used to stress and worry and drive myself completely batshit crazy fretting on how to fix all of these things. But not anymore. I’m at a good place with myself and the good news is it only took 43 years to get here.
I regret it took me so long to reach a place where I am, for the most part, accepting of myself – flaws and all. The positive aspect to this is 1 – I’m not dwelling on the bad parts of me anymore (nobody wants to see me go totally batshit crazy…that just wouldn’t be pretty) and most importantly 2 – my daughter is young enough to absorb some of this acceptance. I pray this will help her to not dwell so much on the things she doesn’t like about herself because I do not want her to be 43 years old when she is finally comfy in her own skin. I hate the thought of her struggling with insecurity. I mean, it’s gonna happen. We all struggle with it from time to time, but I want her to KNOW without doubt that it’s okay for her to love herself and be happy with what God’s given her, whether she’s fond of it or not. I worry about this a lot. Our media insists on projecting images of girls who simply aren’t real and my daughter, like most kids her age gets caught up in celebrity/media hype. I do a lot of damage control which is okay, but it’s important that my little girl realize it is okay to just be herself. I desperately pray every day that she’ll grow up confident and secure and never worry about what others think or say.
Having said that, let me say this: I don’t do well with fake. People like this are so completely transparent and it boggles my mind. It must take a ton of energy (which we all know I’d never waste on such silliness because I’m too lazy to do so) to pretend to be something you aren’t. When did it stop being okay to accept ourselves for who we are and when did loving ourselves become arrogant and shallow? And before I go any further understand I do NOT, by any means, feel I am perfect. Sweet baby crickets NO! I am way, way far from perfect but my point is I am okay not being perfect. I don’t feel I need to live up to anyone else’s standards of living nor do I feel the need to fit into some kind of mold our warped society has deemed acceptable. My message here is…JUST BE YOURSELF and BE HAPPY BEING YOU.
For fun, I thought I’d list some things here that I don’t do just because I don’t care what others think and because I don’t care what others think (did I say that already?):
1. I don’t keep up with politics. Why? Because I don’t give a rats ass. There, I said it. I DO NOT CARE. It bores the crap out of me to hear politicians drone on and on about how they are going to change the world. I don’t want to hear about it, don’t want to know about it.
2. I’m not a social butterfly at work. People all the time spout off about office politics and I truly from the depths of my soul do not give one iota about office politics. I don’t feel compelled to attend office parties or sit around all day chatting about the latest soap operas or office gossip. I go to work to WORK. This isn’t to say I’m not nice at work. I am. I’ve made an effort to get along with everyone at any job I’ve ever had even if I do not care for him/her much, but don’t try to suck me into that whole “you HAVE to go to the office party or it’ll look bad if you don’t” trap because I’m not falling for it. I will schmooze when it’s only absolutely necessary but otherwise, leave me alone so I can get my job done.
3. I do not, not even a little, care to keep up with the latest movies, music, or celebrities. Honestly these days I don’t know who half the famous folk are. I hear music being made these days that makes me want to take something sharp and stabbed myself in the eardrums just to make the noise stop. I’m not a movie person. I’m a book lover. I want to read a story not hock my shit so I can afford to pay exorbitant prices to go sit and stare at a screen for 2-3 hours surrounded by strangers who I believe are screened at the door to make sure they are the rudest & loudest people on the planet before being allowed admittance. It’s just not for me. Give me a book, 80s metal, and Lucille Ball anytime! I don’t need the “new and hip” stuff to be happy.
4. I’m a homebody and I want to be at home. I want to be with my things, my family, my pets and I want to be comfortable. I enjoy peace and quiet and barring a library, there aren’t too many places to go that offer this. I do like to go out from time to time, but as a rule, I prefer home. So don’t try to make me feel bad because I’m not constantly busy and OUT doing something. That’s fantastic if it works for you and you enjoy it, but don’t pull me into it. I’m not interested.
5. Fashion…I’m freaking clueless. I don’t know designers or the latest fashions trends and again, I do not care. I don’t run around in velvet jumpsuits and white go-go boots, but I will run around in my leggings, flannel shirts, sweats and tennis shoes and if this offends anyone, don’t look. I do not read fashion magazines or have any desire to wear dresses made of feathers or shoes modeled after the hooves of goats. My look may suck but so does that trendy crap.
So there. 5 things I do not do just because someone tells me I should. Pretty major things, too. Our society is overrun with politics and an obsession with image. Don’t let it get to you folks. Wake up every single day, go to the mirror, take a good look at who you see and KNOW the person you see is OKAY. Learn to love yourself, if you don’t already, and don’t give in to “peer pressure.” It’s just not worth sacrificing your sense of self to be someone you really aren’t.