Men Who Abandon Their Children…

My husband, soon to be ex-husband, is one of those men who can donate sperm but can’t seem to manage to actually be a Dad.

While married to his first wife, who I’ve always liked more than him anyway, he bailed on her.  Numerous times.  Leaving her alone to raise two kids without his help.  When they divorced, he seldom paid child support, coming up with one excuse after another why he couldn’t pay her.  I know he was lying to her because I heard him do it.  He didn’t just leave her once.  He left her several times.  Leaving behind great kids who got hurt repeatedly because of his selfishness.

When he and I married, despite warnings from friends and family that I should NOT marry him, he did the same to me.  The first time he left, our daughter was just a tiny baby.  He said he was going to work one day and just did not come home…for WEEKS.  I had no job, he left me with no money, no way to pay our rent or utilities.  I had no idea where he was.  I was stupid.  He came home, I took him back.  Three years ago he left again.  Came home briefly.  Then left AGAIN.

He has never paid me child support either.  He does not bother to call Emily.

I’ve toyed off and on for the past few months about letting him come back here.  Helping him get some things straightened out, helping him get on his feet.  My ONLY reason for considering this was because of the kids.  I want them happy.  I want them to be okay.  But today, that all came to an end.

My daughter, Emily, said to me this morning:  “Mom, I’d rather be the one to visit him.  That way, when it comes time to leave, I get to be the one that walks out this time.”  My daughter is 11 years old.  It isn’t fair she has to feel this way about her Dad.

His kids from his first marriage are amazing.  They have been so hurt by him.  They are unable to trust him, yet they’ve grown and have matured and are doing really well.  ALL because of the great job their Mom did – ALONE.

He has spent years lying to anyone willing to listen.  Lying about his kids, about his wives, about his family.  He feels no remorse.  He has stolen from his kids, from his family, from me.

Today is THE day I let him go.  For good.  It is impossible to be any kind of friend to someone like that.  Give an inch, take a mile ya know?  He has never appreciated anything anyone has ever done for him.  Not ever.  Nor will he.

I will no longer be angry.  I will no longer be hurt.  I will no longer give a damn.  His life.  His choices.  His problems.

I am proud of the adults his oldest kids have become.  I will forever love them.  I have a ton of respect for his first wife because she is so strong and has done so well with the kids.  I know how much she loved him and how much he hurt her, yet she kept going.

As will I.  My daughter is no fool.  She has had to grow up way too fast because of his bad decisions, but she’s smarter now and she knows now what he’s about.  She won’t let him hurt her again because she’ll never trust him again.

So…my this is my final farewell to you, Rick.  I wish you well but know this is the last time you will be allowed to be a part of my life.

Divorce imminent and hopefully swift.

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10 thoughts on “Men Who Abandon Their Children…

  1. I’m so sorry you and Emily had/have to go through that. My heart broke at her “I get to be the one to walk out” – no little girl should have to feel that way about her father.
    Sending good vibes to accompany your obvious strength in making decisions that are best for you!!

    • Thank you!

      Em is a strong little girl, but I know she hurts. I can see it in her face when she talks about him, but she is so unwilling to let him back in her life. I can’t blame her. All I can do is just be here for her, let her talk it out when she needs to. She gets angry and he refuses to listen so I let her vent to me. At least she’s getting it out which is good.

      I try REALLY hard to not bad mouth him. I’m not going to be that kind of woman. It serves no purpose. I can be factual but the name calling and all that mess is pointless. I just told a friend though that Rick’s actions do all of the talking and nobody has to say a word. Just needed to write this out though, say that last goodbye. I’m done now.

  2. My sister went through something similar with her ex. He was a deadbeat before, during and after their relationship. As an outsider, it was extremely painful to watch.

    I’m glad you’ve closed the door on that chapter of your life. You and your daughter deserve better than that.

  3. You are awesome! Stay strong. And, if you can, don’t badmouth him to the kids. Let it all out on your blog – just not to them. Trust me, it causes major stress to the kids when their parents try to play them against each other. So speaketh the wise Mrs. Cap’n Firepants.

    • Mrs. Cap’n Firepants is wise! I try very hard to watch what I say about him in front of Emily. But like I told someone else, his actions do all of the talking. I really don’t need to say a word, ya know? Thank you for the comment!

  4. We As Decent People Have To Believe That There Is Some Kind Of Payback In An Afterlife For These Individuals… This Type Of Behavior Is A Swinging Door Between Both Men And Women Too… The Children And DECENT Folks Alway’s Seem To Suffer…
    I’m A Male In His 40’s, And Allthough I’ve Been Married Before, I’ve Never Been Blessed With Children Of My Own… Just Never Happened… I Myself Am 7-8 Months Removed From A 9 Year Relationship Where I Raised A Lil Girl From The Age Of 3… THere Was NO Debate On My Part, She Was MY DAUGHTER As Far As I Was Concerned.. Both From A Financial Stance As Well As Fatherly Love… PRIDE, CONCERN, And HURT.. Everything A DADDY Could Feel, I Did…. And I Was PROUD To Say So, And To Call Her Mine… WOMEN Need To Know That There Are People Like Myself, REAL MEN That Are Stand Up People… That Posess The Character To RAISE Another Mans Child.. Provide For And Love Them Unconditionally… And We’re Also The Ones Left With Absolutely NOTING When The Bottom Falls Out Of The Relationship.. No Rights, Nothing… Women Can Be Just As Self-Centered In These Situations… And Once Again It’s The Child That Suffers Too…

    • Wow. I’m sorry to hear your relationship ended. 😦 It’s so difficult when that happens. I’ve experienced a similar situation in that when I was married to my second husband (yes, this is my THIRD marriage) I quit my job to stay home with his son. At the time, the little one was 3 years old. His mother was not good for him so his father and I went to court and got legal custody of the little boy. It did not matter to me one iota that I did not give birth to him. I loved him as if he were my own. When the time came, and his father decided he wanted a divorce I was not allowed to say goodbye to his son. It was horrible. No goodbye, no closure…just very sad. So I can understand the not having any rights. In those situations, we don’t.

      The way I’ve dealt with Em’s Dad and what he did was to simply let her talk it out, let her make her own decisions about how she wanted to handle him. It took over a year for her to decide she wanted to talk to him on the phone and even then they’ve only talked a few times. She is currently working on writing him a letter to tell him how she feels. I offered this suggestion to her because while she can tell me anything, she needs to say it to him. Then work on letting it go. He will NEVER be a real Dad to her. He’s just not capable for whatever reason. She understands that but it doesn’t make it any easier. She’s a GREAT kid. I’ve got to be the luckiest Mom on this planet.

      Yes, women are capable of the same kind of behavior. Most definitely.

      I know there are good men out there. Unfortunately, I’ve just not met many. I’ve certainly not married any! But it’ll happen one day, if it’s meant to be. If not, that’s okay too.

  5. That’s The Best Way To Handle It…
    Allow Her To Form Her Own Opinion….
    This Way, No One Can Ever Accuse You Of Creating Hatred Between Them..

    My Mother Did It The Same Way… 🙂

  6. Sounds like my ex and what he’s done to my daughter. When we divorced he signed away all his parental rights, he actually told the Judge, “It’s her (meaning me) child, let her have it.” He thought this would get him out of paying child support (it didn’t) but I understand how you feel, hang in there, you have a great kid and you’re about to find out how strong both of you are. 🙂

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