Brain Dump

Haven’t blogged for a couple of days simply because I’ve not been in the mood to write.  For the past few days I’ve been overwhelmed with anxiety.  Friday (was it Friday?), in particular, was a terrible day.  I left that morning to go to work and became so overcome with panic that I had to turn around and come back home.  I had to stay inside the rest of the day.  I cried a lot and at the end of the day felt mostly worthless and like a failure because I could not get past the panic attack and get to work.  It is rare when I can’t plow through an attack.  The entire day was completely disturbing.

I’m still feeling anxious but trying not to think on it too much.  Hard to do.  Yesterday I made it to work but it was a horrible struggle.  By the time I got to my office I had a headache and just felt physically ill.  And now I’m caught in that whole trap I set for myself – causing more anxiety by worrying about tomorrow when I’ll have to get to work again and wondering if another attack will hit while I’m driving.

Vicious cycle.

In addition to all of that, I think I’ve finally just decided that it isn’t meant for me to be happy.  It seems that it is impossible for me to just let go, relax and BE HAPPY.  When I do, inevitably something comes around to knock my happy rug right out from under me.  I’m sick of it.

Maybe it’s better to just remain neutral?  Despite all of the anxiety I’ve been dealing with, I allowed myself to start to feel too much for the Man from the U.K.  I’ve got to get gripped.  It is absolutely insane for me to feel anything at all and it has been recommended that I “chill out.”  That is what I’ll do.  I’ll just chill the f*** out.  The only way I know how to do that is to just detach completely.  It hurt to hear those words – chill out.  But whatever, right?  Shit happens.  Move on.  If it’s not meant to be then it’s just not.  Nothing I can do about it.

It might seem as if I’m feeling sorry for myself but the truth is I don’t.   It’s more of just acknowledging that this is how it is when it’s like this and it’s like this now.  I’m sad, yes.  I’m  hurt, yes.  But such is life.  I’ll get over it.

My goal this week will be to work on being neutral and not allowing myself to feel too much of anything in any direction.  If I care too much it comes back around and bites me on the ass.  If I don’t care enough, then that too bites me on the ass.

Yet another vicious cycle.

It’s getting old and I am so tired.  Emotionally drained, exhausted and I’ve gone just about as far as I can go.

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9 thoughts on “Brain Dump

  1. Hopefully writing about it (or expressing it somewhere else) lets you get some of it out without having to just detach yourself (if that isn’t what you want).
    Or if you like, we can gently poke fun at each other until you laugh you’re way out of it…
    That might work, right big ears?

  2. What happened honey… why did you panic? I’m sorry you have been having a rough couple of days… I do’tn know any of what’s going on here … all I can offer is an ear 🙂 …

    I’ve had similar thoughts about not being happy sometimes… then it passes and it always does… but I’m familiar with the feeling that, and I’m not sure you may feel this way, then I realize… I just need … a hug, to know it’s all goign to be okay and that people care about me… I need support and to stop seeing things that make me feel disheartened…

    Life gets to us… and you know? You just had a car accident and you were under SO much stress… may I suggest … a big fat cry? You may feel better … it releases the “icky” stuff out of your system…

    Come here… wanna have some … wanna cookie? No?
    How abaaaaaaaut… a hug? 🙂 You wanna hug?
    A PUPPY! You wanna puppy!?

  3. I can relate to feeling damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I also have bouts of paranoia which is similar to anxiety. Thank you for sharing and I hope blogging helped take the edge off. 😀 and it isn’t a horrible thing to put yourself out there (as I am trying to read between the lines) it is healthy it;s just sucks when the other person is a jerk about it all. Best of luck and I hope you can figure out what is causing all this anxiety.

  4. I don’t know your story, just popped in, but I do know that life sucks sometimes and it does seem like it is one thing after another and we just can’t go on; we’re tired, sick of the struggle and afraid of what might happen next to screw us up.

    I wish I could give some wonderful uplifting advice on how to get over it but I think that is an individual thing. Personally I usually give into the grief; cry, rage, stomp my feet and scream at the universe “IT’S NOT FAIR!!! I don’t want to play any more”. And then I feel kinda silly 🙂 and try to think of positive changes I can make in my life to make things better. Small changes and long range changes. Some times a small thing can be the catalyst for much bigger things, just like negativity breeds negativity positive feeds positive.

    I will do some random act of kindness for someone less fortunate. Even if I only have $10 I’ll give a pan handler $2, or take a plate of cookies in to a customer, to know that I brightened someone else’s day always brightens my day and if you want to look at it from the “what’s in it for me?” Its good Karma, it always comes back to you 10 x’s.

    Deep breaths help too!

    Hugs
    Carrie

  5. I am sorry to hear of your terrible day. OK. It’s over now. Time to pick yourself up and go fight again. You have everything you need right there inside of yourself to do it. You have had defeats but, my dear, look at all of the victories you’ve had.

    I admit, I don’t know you. I am not making light of the things going on with you, nor am I being condenscending towards you. But…let me tell you a secret…

    Negative energies are like that snake you may have saw in old tepestries. You know the one in a circle who is eating itself starting with the tail. Negative things, no matter what label you want to put on them, feed off of themselves. They feed off of negativity. They will throw something at you to bring you down. Once they do, they will use that to throw something else. It turns into a dirty nasty little cycle and it SUCKS!

    You can break out of it. You know deep in your heart that you can. There is a strength and a power deep inside of each and every one of us. sometimes we can’t see it but it IS there. Find your power. Find your strength. It’s right there

    Forgive me for butting into your business.

    Love and Light to you

  6. Hi, I was led to your blog by Mysterycoach, and I hope it’s ok that I re-post this reply that I JUST wrote on another blog regarding just about the same thing. The reason I’m recycling this for you is that I think it’s for you too. Also, I’m just really into recycling… ;P

    I changed it up a little – but the idea is the same. You do definitely deserve happiness. Don’t ever say you don’t. We are here to go through difficulties and ride the waves. You’ll get another swell soon….hope this helps!

    Hey Yam – mama!
    I just wanted to leave a little something here for you and everyone on the page that has responded to this post. Listen up guys – and Please HEAR ME!! I was feeling this way a few weeks ago. Down, sad, disconnected, I wrote about it on the blog even. I was second guessing everything. Yamyah, I think you even sent me an encouraging note here on your page! I got some support from others that were connected to your page as well. THAT WAS FREAKIN’ AWESOME!! Well, let me tell you, I got over that hump. And now things are GREAT!! I believe it was a mixture of things first:
    IT’S ALWAYS DARKEST RIGHT BEFORE DAWN. Why that is, I don’t know, and it kind of sucks. but I do find it to be true.
    second: I was trying to attach myself to doing some work I didn’t want to do, that I don’t enjoy – namely doing numbers research. I was dragging myself down with that. I’m terrible at it and I kept hitting a brick wall (again from the blog…HA!) and continuing to ram my bloody head against it!! Well, once I made a subconscious move to change it, I attended a business circle meeting – where I met two key people – one who OVERWHELMINGLY supports my project and what I do (who, btw is a stats and numbers and data person for my community – someone I very much needed to meet) and a business coach, which I also need. (Who, btw is interested in a possible business partnership through his church, which he was representing at that meeting.) The WHOLE POINT of telling you guys this is:
    WHEN YOU ARE FEELING DOWN, DO ONE THING DIFFERENT. The tiniest shift can move mountains. I dragged my butt to that business meeting, and it was what I needed, when I needed it. CO-incidentally, by staying after to work at the restaurant at which it was held, I reconnected with a friend I had been wanting to see again, and she needed my connection as well. SO – don’t despair!! The people, situations, opportunities are there, waiting for you. Do something different to find them, then your soul will rejoice.
    Yamyah, thank you for this post and everyone who responded who gave me the opportunity to share these words. You have all made my heart sing this beautiful day – peace, love and comfort to you all!!
    OH, and Patrick, you think you’re not sensitive…pshhh! I don’t formally meditate either. I receive information and or peacefullness doing busy work, such as washing and drying dishes by hand, folding clothes, vaccuming – listen, I said I was suburban…ha! but seriously, when my hands are busy, and my mind wanders, somehow it creates the opening to receive whatever is floating around out there that I need to. Maybe that would work for you too? plus, you’ll have a clean house – double bonus ha ha. But you can’t have the tv on or other distractions, it has to be quiet.
    I hope I haven’t gone against “good blogger” protocol by posting such a long reply about my own stuff on your page, Yamyah, please let me know…I’m kind of new to this.
    MUCH LOVE! Deborah

    OK, I lied. I didn’t change anything about it. I think it’s all for you too. If you want to see the original post from the blog I replied to it’s here:

    http://crystalmoons.wordpress.com/2012/03/25/grounding-clearing-and-shielding/#comments

    Again, much love, and perk up baby!!!

  7. Don’t be hard on yourself for having a massive panic attack. Sometimes you can’t talk yourself out of that feeling. Be kind to yourself when they hit you that strong. You made it in to work, despite the great effort it took. That right there is a huge accomplishment. Says a lot about your strength.

    Chillin’ out doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. Sometimes it just means taking a different perspective on a situation. You feel what you feel. It’s just a matter of what you do with it.

    Life is a wonderful journey that hits us with some bumps along the way that overwhelm us. You might not be happy about the circumstances but it doesn’t mean you can’t still be happy about other things.

    Hang in there. This too shall pass.

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