Couldn’t sleep last night and by couldn’t sleep I mean OMG! Tossed, turned, impossible to get comfortable and even more impossible to shut off my brain. Working on not taking Tylenol PM and it blows. Another blog for another day.
I made the epic mistake of talking to Franky on the phone this morning. EPIC MISTAKE. I simply wanted his address so I could have his mail forwarded and that, of course, turned into yet another negative situation where AGAIN, I was defending myself and fighting a losing battle. I hung up the phone feeling miserable. Truly miserable. I made a split decision as soon as I hit “end call” to never again allow myself to get attached to another man. At that moment it seemed that it would be such a huge waste of time to even bother trying to have another relationship. All of my relationships have ended badly and the only common denominator is ME.
After the phone call, I sat here astounded by how little Franky knows me. In the three years we dated he learned nothing about me or who I really am. It blows me away that we could spend that much time together and he is still so incredibly WRONG. He doesn’t know my heart at all. All of the things he accuses me of doing are the exact things he does all the time. He’s never had the ability to get past his own selfishness to see me for who I am and for the record, if you do happen to chat with him, I’m NOT evil and I’m NOT full of hate. (There. If I can’t defend myself with him then I can vicariously do it through you).
So…SCREW IT. I went back to bed.
After I woke up I felt a bit better. Only a bit. Then I had a text conversation with Denise, during that Bret had left me a message and after hearing from them I felt much better and it occurred to me that while I am a bit of a problem, I’m not THE problem. Or maybe I am but for the sake of this blog I’ll only be part of the problem.
Most of my relationships have been with addicts. I’ve had few where the other half wasn’t addicted to something – alcohol, drugs, lying, cheating or a combination of all of the above. Towards the end of my morning meltdown I realized that all addicts have the exact same behaviors, none of them rational and so far out of the realm of reality that it would be impossible for a non-addict to understand. THIS is why I don’t get it. How in the hell can I? They live in this make believe fantasy type world they’ve created to make themselves feel not so screwed up and there is no room there for logic. I can’t fight that kind of thing because I can’t truly grasp what goes on in their heads. I can’t begin to answer the question “Lisa, why in the hell has it taken you half your life to figure this out?” but BAM! I’ve figured it out. I can go back and think on past relationships or at least the ones I’ve chosen to not block from my memory and see the problems. I can clearly see their problems, my reactions to their problems, my own issues and shit! What a mess!
In order for me to have what it is I want in life, I have GOT TO work on changing myself and my attitude. I’ve allowed these miserable relationships to happen because I felt I didn’t deserve any better – I think. If this is actually why I let it all happen then what a crock of bullshit. I DO deserve better. I deserve to be happy and before I can be happy with someone else, I need to be happy with me and I’m not. Depression runs long and deep and after reliving my past, I can admit depression has been with me for most of my life (definitely easier to handle when medicated which I’m not anymore). Yes, years ago I had self-confidence and with that came the ability to sort of overlook the depression but it seems I was somehow punishing myself, for whatever reason, with these disastrous relationships.
OR…and here’s something to ponder: maybe I was okay with these relationships because these guys were such a hot damn mess that it didn’t make a difference how screwed up I was because they were always way more messed up than me and the result of that was I always felt better about myself.
Whoa. Maybe I am THE problem.
I’m not qualified to delve deeper into my psyche and figure out all of my crap of which I’m sure there is plenty. I’m not going to sit here and blame my parents because while they aren’t perfect, they are amazing and I believe with all my heart that they did the absolute best they could do and I did not have a bad childhood. Maybe it’s just a matter of some of us are born with this bizarre hard-wiring that makes us do incredibly stupid things. Hell if I know. The only thing I do know is the only person who can change how I feel is me. My validation shouldn’t have to come from others. I need to get to a place where I stop doubting I’m okay (sort of) & remember that I’m worth something and damnit, I AM worth something. I don’t know exactly what, but SOMETHING.
I sent Bret a rambling message and told him I wasn’t going to ruin him by allowing myself to get attached to him. That he should probably just consider it a favor that I’d be saving him from ruin. He left me a super sweet, supportive and understanding voice mail earlier. If a man can still be my friend after listening to and/or reading my messages of insanity then he’s worth every second of everything. The fact that there is a man out there who isn’t my father that I can actually talk to and lean on? Pffft. All new to me! I don’t even know how to react to it but again, and I can’t say this enough, I am so from the depths of my soul grateful Bret is my friend.
So to sum it all up, yep…I’m still a work in progress. Damn, will it ever end?
In other news – I follow this woman on Facebook and she’s incredibly funny. She’s on Blogger and while I think that makes us bloggy enemies, I’m sharing her link anyway. Her blog is titled The Klonipin Chronicles and it’s adult-ish and she tosses around the f-bomb from time to time but she’s Oh! So. Funny!
One last thing – not sure if you’re aware of my status as Grammar Nazi among my friends on Facebook and in the three dimensional world. I get picked on for that A LOT but I don’t care. I’m quite aware my grammar isn’t perfect but it’s certainly better than some. Earlier today I read these words from someone who commented on a girl’s photo: destinked fetures. I thought my eyes were going to bleed. Seriously. If it were possible for me to execute those who fail so miserably at spelling, this dude would be hanged IMMEDIATELY and probably twice but not until he writes “distinct features” 1,000 times on a blackboard. I could then find comfort in knowing he died knowing how to spell those two words. I’d be doing him and the rest of the world a favor, right? Yes, I think so too.
The sign of my people
Saw this earlier. I’m still laughing.
If you made it to this point and stuck with me through yet another blog about how screwed up I am, thank you. THANK YOU. I mean that. From the bottom of my heart (which, as previously stated, is not full of hate ) I appreciate all of you who take time out of your day to read my blogs. You all have no idea how much it means to me. Much love to all of you and I hope you’re all having a fantastic weekend!