Eee – I – Eee – I…WHAT?!

Francis Marcus loved his beer.

He also loved his goat, Bob.

Bob the goat loved Francis Marcus and the beer.

But when you mix a man, a goat and beer bad things can happen.  Bad, entertaining things.

911:  “What’s your emergency?”

FRANCIS MARCUS’ GIRLFRIEND:  “Yes, my boyfriend is in the backyard with the goat and things are getting pretty ugly out there.  I’m not sure what to do.”

911:  “What’s his name ma’am?”

FMG:  “Bob.  Bob the goat.”

911:  “Um, no ma’am.  I meant your boyfriend.  What is your boyfriend’s name?”

FMG:  “Oh.  His name is Francis Marcus.”

911:  “Is that his full name?”

FMG:  “Well no.  His last name is Willis.  The goat doesn’t have a last name.”

911:  “Uh, okay.  So your boyfriend’s full name is Francis Marcus Willis?”

FMG:  “That is correct.”

911:  “What is your name ma’am?”

FMG:  “My name is Alice Ellis.  I really need help here.  I’m pretty sure the goat just slapped my boyfriend in the face.”

911:  (Audible sigh)  “Um, yes ma’am.  Can you tell me what happened?”

FMG:  “Well, they were just chilling out in the backyard having a few beers.  Oh wow…Bob just rammed Francis Marcus in the butt.  Man.  This is bad.  I didn’t know Francis Marcus could flip that high in the air.”

911:  “Ma’am, are you telling me that both your boyfriend and the goat were drinking beer?

FMG:  “Yes.  Bob gets a bit grouchy if he doesn’t have a couple of beers in the evening.  Oh well, so does Francis Marcus.  They can be so rambunctious sometimes.”

911:  (Distinct laughter in the background)  “Ma’am, are YOU drinking?”

FMG:  “I assure you I’m not!”

911:  “Ok, then continue…what happened after they started drinking beer?”

FMG:  “They had an argument.  It was an argument over a football game.”

911:  “Your boyfriend argued with the goat over a football game?”

FMG:  “Yes.  Francis Marcus made a comment about a bad call one of the referees made.  Bob got upset and kicked Francis Marcus.  They love their football!  After that, they started wrestling.  At first I thought they were kidding but they seem very angry with each other right now.  I’m not sure I can break up the fight.”

911:  “It’s probably not safe for you to approach an angry goat in the middle of a argument.”

FMG:  “Yea, that’s what I thought.  Can you help me?  Francis Marcus has Bob in a headlock now.”

911:  “Ma’am, I can’t really send a unit to your home to break up a goat fight.  Do you have a water hose?”

FMG:  “Yes.  Should I spray them?”

911:  “That’s what I would suggest.  I’ll hold while you do that.  Please come back to the phone and let me know if it worked.”

FMG:  “I’ll try that.  Be right back!”

At this point, there is a lot of indistinguishable yelling and bleating going on in the background.

Then all of the sudden…SILENCE.

FMG:  “Ok, I’m back.  It worked.  They are soaking wet and rolling around on the ground laughing now.”

911:  “Good.  Ma’am, I suggest you make sure Francis Marcus and Bob don’t drink anymore this evening.  In fact, you might want to separate them for the remainder of the night.”

FMG:  “That a good idea.  I’ll try.  Hard to keep them away from each other though but I will try.”

911:  “If everything is okay now I need to disconnect this call.”

FMG:  “Everything seems fine.  They are still rolling around on the ground and I think they just high-fived each other.  Goodbye.”

DON’T ASK!

Author: Lisa Summerlin

The Smoking Squirrel is my way of bringing happiness to the world. I firmly believe that laughter is the best medicine and sometimes we all need a negative-free zone. This is it. Enjoy!

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