If you follow my blog then you know I ended 2012/began 2013 with a break-up. It took me a year to get to a place where I was able to walk way from a relationship that was, simply put, unhealthy. It wasn’t good for me or for him. At no point during our time together did we ever want the same things. Except to watch football. We both wanted to watch football. That was about it.
I’m now past the hurt, the bitterness, the resentment, the tears and have reached that place where I insist on going back and figuring out my mistakes. I won’t waste any time on his mistakes because they are just that. His. He has to own them. Whether he does or not is all on him.
When I first met F. years ago on MySpace, it never occurred to me that we’d actually meet in person. He was just some hot guy that was fun to flirt with. Honestly, I can’t even remember how it came to be that we did meet in person. Things just somehow evolved and it happened. The other thing I didn’t expect was to see him again. I just assumed and went into this whole thing thinking we’d spend a weekend together and it would be done. I had no clue that he’d come back and that our second “date” would last for two months. That first year, I made no issue of wanting to have any kind of committed relationship. I insisted time and again that we were to remain single and I didn’t care if we got serious.
I lied to myself and as a result I lied to him, as well. What happens when you lie? It comes back to bite you in the ass. It did. Over the course of a year I started having real feelings for him. Dare I say I loved him? Yes. If I’m being honest NOW then I have to admit that but then? I refused to admit it. I fought it tooth and nail. I pretended to be someone I really am not and that eventually blew up in my face. Things between us got WEIRD. I think we both tried to pretend we didn’t love each other. We both fought it and pretended to not care. Things are easier if there is no real attachment, right? WRONG.
Anyway, feelings crept in and things became complicated because I made them that way and after that, things just went south. I spent so much time lying about how I felt and what I wanted in a relationship that when it finally caught up with me I was doomed. Even if I had been honest about what I wanted with F., I don’t think it would have mattered. I could never truly relax with him. His drinking was always a big issue and vodka made him mean. That’s hard to live with and I don’t think I could’ve kept living with it. That was another thing I lied about. Here, on my blog or on FB, I’d vent about it and discuss how much it hurt me but never with him. I wasn’t honest with him about how much he hurt me. More relationship failure.
I think this is a common mistake with many people. They go into a situation with someone they like hoping they can be whoever that person wants them to be. They sort of feel their way into it, taking cues from a person and adjusting behavior according to what the other person wants. I’m not sure we think through this plan with an understanding that this will get exhausting and there will come a time when the real us comes through whether want it to or not. It’s impossible to go through life pretending to be someone you’re not or pretending that certain things don’t matter when they do.
Morale of the story: Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Don’t lie to yourself about the things you want in life. Don’t be afraid to speak up. DON’T SETTLE for less than what it is you do want. Be truthful with yourself so you don’t end up lying to someone else and always, ALWAYS be truthful with someone you’re in a relationship with. Be clear about your feelings otherwise you might just end up in a situation in which you don’t need or want to be.