This is me…my life. I’m a walking catastrophe most of the time.
What prompted this blog, you ask?
Last night I was watching this episode of Roseanne.
In this particular episode Becky farts in front of her classmates while giving a speech. This led me to remembering my own embarrassing moments.
Now, before I share those moments with you, let me share this. The following are my Facebook statuses from Sunday. They are in order of occurrence:
Making a cup of coffee, get some in my eye. I’m the only one I know who lives on an epic level of dork every single day.
Putting on mascara & stab myself in the eye. Coincidentally, it’s the same eye that got the coffee. Shortly after, I’m drinking coffee, swallow wrong and start to choke. Gonna be a stellar (TYPICAL) day. I’m almost afraid to plug in the shop-vac to clean out the car.
Managed to get the car washed & vacuumed w/o incident. Except for sucking up my lanyard keychain. Thankfully the keys were in the ignition. Disaster averted. Although once I sucked up some insurance papers, but that’s neither here nor there. Sitting here in the car w/ Em listening to Automatic Loveletter & waiting for Daddy. We’re super early.
Tossing the salad. Dump it in my lap. It’s as if I’m channeling The Stooges. 🙂
Home now. Taking off my clothes. Need to pre-treat from the salad dump. Found brown SOMETHING all over my shirt. Have NO clue what it is. I ate nothing brown. However, it seems when I knocked the salad off my lap, a mushroom landed in Em’s shoe. Kinda funny. Think I’ll stay in my room the rest of today. Safer for me & for all of mankind.
OMG! I just stepped on my own foot and fell into the door frame! WTH??!!
This is pretty much how every day goes for me. Once dork incident after another. My life is a comedy of errors. The bonus to all of this is it’s given my sense of humor a boost like nobody’s business. I’ve always had one but can honestly say I spend a great deal of time laughing at myself. I then share it all with others so they can laugh, too. I love it when I can make someone smile or laugh. This world is so full of negative energy and who needs that crap?
I’m getting off track a bit. I said all of that to say that over the years it’s become increasingly difficult for me to get embarrassed. You’d think most of these things happen at home but that isn’t always the case. Let me share some other cases with you…
Once, I got IN the wrong car. Didn’t just walk up to it. I got IN it. Put on my seat belt and all ready to go when my Daddy knocks on the window, laughing.
Another time my daughter blurted out to some random cashier at Walmart that her Daddy beats me. This NEVER happened (you know that’s true because he’s still living…somewhere). Still have no idea where she got that idea.
While working at Georgia State University, I’d was helping a guy get his admissions paperwork rushed through, did it and he came by to thank me. I walked out to greet him and what I saw was a God, surrounded by light and singing Angels. He was SO beautiful that I was overcome and actually ran up to him & hugged him. Yea, I hugged him. In the lobby, surrounded by people…AWKWARD.
When I married my second husband, we got married in a church that was an old theater. I had a veil that was quite long and as we started to walk down the isle, I realized it was hung on the corner of the stage. After my head jerked back like something crazy, I realized all I could do was yank it and in the video (I’ve since destroyed it because he was a cheating turd) all you see if me laughing and my veil flying.
On a first date with a guy I’d wanted to go out with for months. I looked SO cute in this shorts/romper outfit. Keep in mind this romper had a zipper in the back that went down to my butt. Decided I’d go pee before the movie. Go to zip up and it BREAKS. I can’t zip! I’m not wearing underwear! The only thing I can do is hold myself together while walking across a very crowded lobby to tell my date we had to leave. I was laughing so hard I almost couldn’t keep myself contained.
None of those things were too embarrassing for me so I had to dig DEEP to find situations that had me turning red. I came up with two.
High school. I hated it. None of my friends were at my school. My boyfriend was older and lived in another city. Miserable years for me. We won’t relive all of that but picture this, if you will. In between classes, my locker was out in the stratosphere and nowhere near any of my classes, I’m running to get to class on time and I trip. I TRIP UP THE STAIRS. Not only did I fall UP the stairs but I grabbed the poor dude in front of me and drug him down with me. This caused a domino effect and well…crowded staircase…you get the picture. I wanted to die.
The second embarrassing moment I came up with was at church. I haven’t worn underwear for so long I don’t remember if I even own any but I especially never wore it when I had on pantyhose. Panty + hose = why bother, right? So I went to the bathroom…you know where this is going, yes? Came out and my dress was stuck in my pantyhose. Now, that in itself isn’t so bad. Happens to a lot of women, I know. The terrible part is I walk out into the hallway, people everywhere and it’s the Associate Pastor who has to take me aside and tell me my ass is showing. He didn’t use those words but still…again, I wanted to die. Not everyone can say they’ve mooned the congregation. I can.
Moral of the story: Learn to roll with it. As Roseanne says, “life is full of boombies.” Take it in stride. Share it with your friends and blog buddies! Give the ones you love a reason to smile and most importantly learn to laugh at yourself! A sense of humor goes a long way towards a happier you!