Lately, I’ve been obsessed with my age. I will be 47 in May. This is way…WAY too close to 50. I don’t care what anyone says. 50 is a big number and I’m not happy with it; however, I want to be.
I want to be excited about getting older. I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling like aging can mean life is over. We think a lot about our younger firsts – first time we ride a bike without help from Mom and Dad, our first kiss, our first date, our first home on our own and we wonder what’s left. Somehow along the way I became convinced I would have no more firsts after a certain age. I was wrong.
This recent (and disturbing) obsession I have with getting older is on the heels of my Daddy being diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. My rational self knows people live for years with CHF. My irrational self will freak out and tell you this is MY Daddy and losing him isn’t an option. Losing either of my parents is a thing that honestly is beyond my realm of comprehension but the truth is they are older, I’m getting older and I need to get gripped.
Our parents get older and drag us right along with them. Unfair all over the place, isn’t it? All of this obsessing over aging has got me thinking…more.
I’ve not been pleased with myself. I waste a great deal of time wishing instead of doing. I waste too much time dreading instead of embracing. I also waste time wanting instead of getting. This all MUST change.
Having had some time to contemplate what all of this might mean, I realized something. We go through life growing up and changing…we’re children, teenagers, young adults and through all of this we meet new people. We put an effort in getting to know people. We talk to them, ask questions and want to understand what they’re about but how many of us have truly gotten to know ourselves? How many of us have thought about or brushed off our own quirks, delved deep into our own psyche, paid clear attention to our own habits – good or bad or explored our own dreams and desires?
I’m wondering if you’ve met yourself?
Until recently, I don’t think I had.
Humans are a constant work-in-progress which, I feel, is as it should be. To sit still and do nothing is a shameful crime we commit to ourselves. I met myself and realized I’m a criminal. I’ve concluded I’m robbing myself completely blind and I’m ALLOWING myself to be blinded by fear, doubt and if I’m being honest (which is how I roll) sheer laziness has also gotten the best of me.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate myself. Overall I think I’m a decent person and I have qualities that I truly love so my focus from this point on needs to be – WILL BE – reminding myself daily of the things I do love while changing what I don’t love and there is where I’ll find more firsts. If I continue to move forward and continue to evolve there will always be new first moments. There, in the midst of personal transformation I will find happiness and ultimately peace.
Today, I met myself and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to meet someone in my life.