The Department of Entanglement…

Relations Rep:  “Thank you for calling the Department of Entaglement.  How may I help you?”

Hennie Pennie:  “Yes, I’m stuck in a very weird and mostly dead-end relationship and don’t know how to get out.”

RR:  “Ma’am are your legs broken?”

HP:  “I’m sorry…what did you just say?”

RR:  “Nothing.  Attempt at humor.  So you say you are stuck.  What seems to be the problem?”

HP:  “I’m dating a man who doesn’t understand me.  I’m tired of it and I just want out.”

RR:  “Ms. Pennie, men throughout history have never understood women.  This isn’t new.  This probably won’t change any time soon either.”

HP:  “Yes, I know but I don’t care about all men.  Just this one.  I need him to GET me.”

RR:  “Ma’am, whining won’t help.”

HP:  “Did you just call me whiny?”

RR:  “Well, part of my job is to help you with a reality check and in doing that, I must be honest with you so yes.  I called you whiny.  Because you are.  You say you want him to GET you but yet you want out.  Which is it?”

HP:  “I don’t know.  I mean I’d like him to understand me and how I feel and stay with him.  I want him to love me the same way I love him.  I want more time with him.  I miss him terribly. ”

RR:  “I think what you need is a lamp.  To rub.  Maybe one with genies.”

HP:  “I’m not really sure I appreciate your sarcasm.  It isn’t helping.”

RR:  “It’s not hurting either, is it?”

HP:  “No, I guess not.”

RR:  “Alright then.  Now, before you go blaming him for all that is wrong in this relationship, have you taken a long hard look at yourself?  Is there anything you are doing that maybe you shouldn’t be doing?  Anything that maybe you should be doing differently?”

HP:  “Honestly, I’ve been so busy blaming him I’ve not given my own faults much consideration.”

RR:  “Do you feel you should do that?”

HP:  “Possibly.”

RR:  “Possibly?”

HP:  “Ok, yes.  I should.”

RR:  “That’s better.  I’d recommend at this time that you put aside all of his issues and things you don’t like about him.  Forget what he’s doing wrong for just a moment and investigate your own feelings and responsibility in this relationship. He is a MAN.  You have to give him credit for that.  Or take it away.  Whichever.  The point is you need to realize that men and women are so vastly different that it’s a wonder babies are ever made.  Look at YOU first.  Can you do that?”

HP:  “I believe so.”

RR:  “You ‘believe’ so?”

HP:  “Jeez, you’re busting my chops here.  Why are you being so difficult?”

RR:  “I’m just doing my job, Ms. Pennie.  You called me, remember?”

HP:  “Fine.  Yes.  I will evaluate my own feelings.”

RR:  “Very good.  Now, I’d like to give you my name and direct number so that we can continue with telephone sessions and hopefully this will help you.  Would that be agreeable?”

HP:  “Will this cost me a lot of money?”

RR:  “You’re putting a price on your sanity and saving your relationship?  Really Ms.  Pennie!”

HP:  “I’m just asking!  Sheesh!”

RR:  “No.  These calls are free.  I’m here to help – at no charge.  My name is Barb E. Dahl and you can reach me at 1-804-382-4747.”

HP:  “Barb E. Dahl, really?

RR:  “Um, Hennie Pennie, really?”

HP:  “Point taken.  Okay.  When should I call back?”

RR:  “Let’s give your self-evaluation a week.  See how you feel then.  Will that be okay?”

HP:  “That sounds fine.  Wait…does that phone number spell out what I think it does?”

RR:  “Probably.  Have a goodnight and remember…think about YOU first and then we’ll move from there.”

HP:  “You got it.  Good-bye.”

Eee – I – Eee – I…WHAT?!

Francis Marcus loved his beer.

He also loved his goat, Bob.

Bob the goat loved Francis Marcus and the beer.

But when you mix a man, a goat and beer bad things can happen.  Bad, entertaining things.

911:  “What’s your emergency?”

FRANCIS MARCUS’ GIRLFRIEND:  “Yes, my boyfriend is in the backyard with the goat and things are getting pretty ugly out there.  I’m not sure what to do.”

911:  “What’s his name ma’am?”

FMG:  “Bob.  Bob the goat.”

911:  “Um, no ma’am.  I meant your boyfriend.  What is your boyfriend’s name?”

FMG:  “Oh.  His name is Francis Marcus.”

911:  “Is that his full name?”

FMG:  “Well no.  His last name is Willis.  The goat doesn’t have a last name.”

911:  “Uh, okay.  So your boyfriend’s full name is Francis Marcus Willis?”

FMG:  “That is correct.”

911:  “What is your name ma’am?”

FMG:  “My name is Alice Ellis.  I really need help here.  I’m pretty sure the goat just slapped my boyfriend in the face.”

911:  (Audible sigh)  “Um, yes ma’am.  Can you tell me what happened?”

FMG:  “Well, they were just chilling out in the backyard having a few beers.  Oh wow…Bob just rammed Francis Marcus in the butt.  Man.  This is bad.  I didn’t know Francis Marcus could flip that high in the air.”

911:  “Ma’am, are you telling me that both your boyfriend and the goat were drinking beer?

FMG:  “Yes.  Bob gets a bit grouchy if he doesn’t have a couple of beers in the evening.  Oh well, so does Francis Marcus.  They can be so rambunctious sometimes.”

911:  (Distinct laughter in the background)  “Ma’am, are YOU drinking?”

FMG:  “I assure you I’m not!”

911:  “Ok, then continue…what happened after they started drinking beer?”

FMG:  “They had an argument.  It was an argument over a football game.”

911:  “Your boyfriend argued with the goat over a football game?”

FMG:  “Yes.  Francis Marcus made a comment about a bad call one of the referees made.  Bob got upset and kicked Francis Marcus.  They love their football!  After that, they started wrestling.  At first I thought they were kidding but they seem very angry with each other right now.  I’m not sure I can break up the fight.”

911:  “It’s probably not safe for you to approach an angry goat in the middle of a argument.”

FMG:  “Yea, that’s what I thought.  Can you help me?  Francis Marcus has Bob in a headlock now.”

911:  “Ma’am, I can’t really send a unit to your home to break up a goat fight.  Do you have a water hose?”

FMG:  “Yes.  Should I spray them?”

911:  “That’s what I would suggest.  I’ll hold while you do that.  Please come back to the phone and let me know if it worked.”

FMG:  “I’ll try that.  Be right back!”

At this point, there is a lot of indistinguishable yelling and bleating going on in the background.

Then all of the sudden…SILENCE.

FMG:  “Ok, I’m back.  It worked.  They are soaking wet and rolling around on the ground laughing now.”

911:  “Good.  Ma’am, I suggest you make sure Francis Marcus and Bob don’t drink anymore this evening.  In fact, you might want to separate them for the remainder of the night.”

FMG:  “That a good idea.  I’ll try.  Hard to keep them away from each other though but I will try.”

911:  “If everything is okay now I need to disconnect this call.”

FMG:  “Everything seems fine.  They are still rolling around on the ground and I think they just high-fived each other.  Goodbye.”

DON’T ASK!

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