Dating Dealbreakers…

I’m Googling writing prompts in an effort to inspire creativity.  My muse is on a hiatus of sorts so I’m hoping to jump start something here without the lazy little bitch’s help.

I found a prompt titled “No Can Do” and the question:  Do you have any absolute dealbreakers in a relationship?

Hell yes, I do.  As I’ve gotten older and dated or married one jackass after another and after this last break up with F., I’ve decided I actually do have honest to goodness dealbreakers.  Keep in mind these are based on past experiences with men.  In no particular order:

*If your back is so hairy it looks like the backside of a gorilla, forget it.  I’ll never be able to touch you without getting completely creeped out.

*Drinking doesn’t bother me but if you’re an alcoholic, please move along.  I’m not capable of handling the whole Jekyll/Hyde thing.

*If you don’t read, I’m not interested.  By read, I mean actual books not random articles you’ve found on the internet about stupid shit nobody gives a crap about (like this blog, for instance).

*Have some kind of goals for yourself.  Anything will do.

*Have your own life, ideas, opinions and hobbies.  No matter how much I love you I’ll never want to spend every single second of the day with you & you shouldn’t want to do that with me.  It’s perfectly healthy to not share everything.

*Lying?  Won’t tolerate it.

*Music…I MUST have it in my life.  If you’re a dude who likes to listen to talk radio all the time, we probably won’t get along very well.

*I’m a Mom first and foremost so if you don’t like kids or you think you might be jealous because mine will always come first, it’s a no go.

Those are the biggies that’ll make me run screaming.  What about you?  Got any dealbreakers?

bad date 2

Another Top 10: Getting Older

Getting older is, for me, a love/hate kind of thing.  Am I grateful to be well out of my teens and not living that hormonal nightmare?  Yes.  I absolutely love the fact I survived all of the incredibly stupid things I did when I was young.  And by stupid I mean OH MY GOD I WAS AN IDIOT & CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ALIVE.  If I think back on it all too much, I give my own self the willies so – fast forward…

Am I thrilled about actually getting older?  Not so much.  I mean it’s not like I’m going to get all flippy, go out and have tons of plastic surgery or become a Cougar (although the possibility of having a relationship  having sex with a much younger man has crossed my mind).   I’m okay with me – the way I look, the fact I’m not skinny, the few wrinkles I’ve acquired and I’m even okay with the ONE gray eyebrow hair I found yesterday.   I’m okay being 44.

What I don’t love are the things that happen as we get older.  Like gravity failing me and the real fear of getting out of bed one morning and stepping on my boobs because they’ve finally hit the ground.  I am NOT loving this whole Road to Menopause deal.  It’s a whole new hormonal stage in my life that is worse than…well, I don’t know what.  Just trust me.  It’s bad.  I don’t love feeling tired all the time and the lack of sleep.

To summarize (and let’s face it, I could’ve just written this and skipped all of that other crap I wrote) I LOVE me but I HATE the things that change as I get older.

The following may or may not apply to me.  I see no reason to confess EVERYTHING.  A little mystery is good!

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU’RE GETTING OLDER (in no particular order of significance):

10.  You’ve walked into a room numerous times for a reason that consistently escapes you.

9.  You find yourself answering questions with “because I said so” more than you ever thought you would.

8.  You have pain on top of pain and the parts of you that don’t hurt don’t work anymore.

7.  While bent over, you double-check to make sure there’s nothing else you can take care of while you’re already bent.

6.  You remember when gas was 75 cents a gallon.

5.  What used to be one or two stray gray hairs have now become all over your head “highlights” and you’re amazed at how much the light in the bathroom reflects off the silver in your hair.

4.  You get super excited when plans fall through and you get to stay home.

3.  On the passenger side of the bed you keep a neat pile of things that you might need during the night  just to keep from having to get up.

2.  You realize that neat pile you’re keeping on the passenger side of the bed is a waste of time because you’re going to get up to pee during the night about 10 times anyway.

1.  You were actually happy the year you got a lawnmower for your birthday.

Even though I’m just a few months away from turning 45 and things may be changing, I’m still spunky.  I’ll still bust out in dance or song or both for no reason whatsoever – most often in public.  I still laugh a whole lot.  I still have a warped sense of humor.  I still love heavy metal and probably I’ll always be a little bit of trouble just waiting to happen.

Old

What I’m Thinking…You’ve Been Warned

About this new pancake flipper deal…

How hard is it to make a damn pancake?  Seriously?  If you can flip this stupid pan you can flip a spatula.

The ear wax vacuum…

Truly do not believe there has been a more disgusting invention.  Cleaning out ones ears with a Q-tip is not rocket science and quite honestly, I believe I’d rather risk my ear drum than have to empty out ear wax from some vacuum contraption.

About writing…

I’ve got a block.  It is my fault that I am letting it block me but I am so there it is.  Until I can renovate my room and create my writing space, nothing will be done.  Nothing worth reading anyway.  This particular blog isn’t worth reading.  My apologies if you’ve made it this far.  May the force be with you if you choose to read further.

Christmas cards…

I slack every single year and never send them but just because I don’t send a card to say MERRY CHRISTMAS doesn’t mean I’m not thinking it because I am.  

My cat…

She’s sleeping on the cable box because it is warm.  While I do want her to be comfortable, this is beginning to annoy me. Because I have a brilliant friend, Dorothy (I call her Pumpkin), who came up with the words, I made this:

Steph Meme

About the end of the world…

Now we know.

Mayans

Other tidbits from my brain…if you are my friend on Facebook, you can stop reading now.  You’ve probably already read this stuff:

Woke up this morning w/ every intention of being productive & busy today. I’ve decided waking up & drinking coffee is productive enough.

I have the forehead of a 137 year old woman.

Rain makes me want to nap.

My brain has written no less than 12 blogs. My fingers seem to have a much different agenda. I suck.

Thinking about shutting down Lisa’s Book Bag.

When Franky comes home, I’ll need to get headphones. The music I play during my show at the butt-crack of dawn just isn’t his thing & if he has to hear it, he might just go nuts.  If I wake him up with this music, I’m in trouble.

I do wish you all a very, merry Christmas!

The Department of Entanglement…

Relations Rep:  “Thank you for calling the Department of Entaglement.  How may I help you?”

Hennie Pennie:  “Yes, I’m stuck in a very weird and mostly dead-end relationship and don’t know how to get out.”

RR:  “Ma’am are your legs broken?”

HP:  “I’m sorry…what did you just say?”

RR:  “Nothing.  Attempt at humor.  So you say you are stuck.  What seems to be the problem?”

HP:  “I’m dating a man who doesn’t understand me.  I’m tired of it and I just want out.”

RR:  “Ms. Pennie, men throughout history have never understood women.  This isn’t new.  This probably won’t change any time soon either.”

HP:  “Yes, I know but I don’t care about all men.  Just this one.  I need him to GET me.”

RR:  “Ma’am, whining won’t help.”

HP:  “Did you just call me whiny?”

RR:  “Well, part of my job is to help you with a reality check and in doing that, I must be honest with you so yes.  I called you whiny.  Because you are.  You say you want him to GET you but yet you want out.  Which is it?”

HP:  “I don’t know.  I mean I’d like him to understand me and how I feel and stay with him.  I want him to love me the same way I love him.  I want more time with him.  I miss him terribly. ”

RR:  “I think what you need is a lamp.  To rub.  Maybe one with genies.”

HP:  “I’m not really sure I appreciate your sarcasm.  It isn’t helping.”

RR:  “It’s not hurting either, is it?”

HP:  “No, I guess not.”

RR:  “Alright then.  Now, before you go blaming him for all that is wrong in this relationship, have you taken a long hard look at yourself?  Is there anything you are doing that maybe you shouldn’t be doing?  Anything that maybe you should be doing differently?”

HP:  “Honestly, I’ve been so busy blaming him I’ve not given my own faults much consideration.”

RR:  “Do you feel you should do that?”

HP:  “Possibly.”

RR:  “Possibly?”

HP:  “Ok, yes.  I should.”

RR:  “That’s better.  I’d recommend at this time that you put aside all of his issues and things you don’t like about him.  Forget what he’s doing wrong for just a moment and investigate your own feelings and responsibility in this relationship. He is a MAN.  You have to give him credit for that.  Or take it away.  Whichever.  The point is you need to realize that men and women are so vastly different that it’s a wonder babies are ever made.  Look at YOU first.  Can you do that?”

HP:  “I believe so.”

RR:  “You ‘believe’ so?”

HP:  “Jeez, you’re busting my chops here.  Why are you being so difficult?”

RR:  “I’m just doing my job, Ms. Pennie.  You called me, remember?”

HP:  “Fine.  Yes.  I will evaluate my own feelings.”

RR:  “Very good.  Now, I’d like to give you my name and direct number so that we can continue with telephone sessions and hopefully this will help you.  Would that be agreeable?”

HP:  “Will this cost me a lot of money?”

RR:  “You’re putting a price on your sanity and saving your relationship?  Really Ms.  Pennie!”

HP:  “I’m just asking!  Sheesh!”

RR:  “No.  These calls are free.  I’m here to help – at no charge.  My name is Barb E. Dahl and you can reach me at 1-804-382-4747.”

HP:  “Barb E. Dahl, really?

RR:  “Um, Hennie Pennie, really?”

HP:  “Point taken.  Okay.  When should I call back?”

RR:  “Let’s give your self-evaluation a week.  See how you feel then.  Will that be okay?”

HP:  “That sounds fine.  Wait…does that phone number spell out what I think it does?”

RR:  “Probably.  Have a goodnight and remember…think about YOU first and then we’ll move from there.”

HP:  “You got it.  Good-bye.”

Eee – I – Eee – I…WHAT?!

Francis Marcus loved his beer.

He also loved his goat, Bob.

Bob the goat loved Francis Marcus and the beer.

But when you mix a man, a goat and beer bad things can happen.  Bad, entertaining things.

911:  “What’s your emergency?”

FRANCIS MARCUS’ GIRLFRIEND:  “Yes, my boyfriend is in the backyard with the goat and things are getting pretty ugly out there.  I’m not sure what to do.”

911:  “What’s his name ma’am?”

FMG:  “Bob.  Bob the goat.”

911:  “Um, no ma’am.  I meant your boyfriend.  What is your boyfriend’s name?”

FMG:  “Oh.  His name is Francis Marcus.”

911:  “Is that his full name?”

FMG:  “Well no.  His last name is Willis.  The goat doesn’t have a last name.”

911:  “Uh, okay.  So your boyfriend’s full name is Francis Marcus Willis?”

FMG:  “That is correct.”

911:  “What is your name ma’am?”

FMG:  “My name is Alice Ellis.  I really need help here.  I’m pretty sure the goat just slapped my boyfriend in the face.”

911:  (Audible sigh)  “Um, yes ma’am.  Can you tell me what happened?”

FMG:  “Well, they were just chilling out in the backyard having a few beers.  Oh wow…Bob just rammed Francis Marcus in the butt.  Man.  This is bad.  I didn’t know Francis Marcus could flip that high in the air.”

911:  “Ma’am, are you telling me that both your boyfriend and the goat were drinking beer?

FMG:  “Yes.  Bob gets a bit grouchy if he doesn’t have a couple of beers in the evening.  Oh well, so does Francis Marcus.  They can be so rambunctious sometimes.”

911:  (Distinct laughter in the background)  “Ma’am, are YOU drinking?”

FMG:  “I assure you I’m not!”

911:  “Ok, then continue…what happened after they started drinking beer?”

FMG:  “They had an argument.  It was an argument over a football game.”

911:  “Your boyfriend argued with the goat over a football game?”

FMG:  “Yes.  Francis Marcus made a comment about a bad call one of the referees made.  Bob got upset and kicked Francis Marcus.  They love their football!  After that, they started wrestling.  At first I thought they were kidding but they seem very angry with each other right now.  I’m not sure I can break up the fight.”

911:  “It’s probably not safe for you to approach an angry goat in the middle of a argument.”

FMG:  “Yea, that’s what I thought.  Can you help me?  Francis Marcus has Bob in a headlock now.”

911:  “Ma’am, I can’t really send a unit to your home to break up a goat fight.  Do you have a water hose?”

FMG:  “Yes.  Should I spray them?”

911:  “That’s what I would suggest.  I’ll hold while you do that.  Please come back to the phone and let me know if it worked.”

FMG:  “I’ll try that.  Be right back!”

At this point, there is a lot of indistinguishable yelling and bleating going on in the background.

Then all of the sudden…SILENCE.

FMG:  “Ok, I’m back.  It worked.  They are soaking wet and rolling around on the ground laughing now.”

911:  “Good.  Ma’am, I suggest you make sure Francis Marcus and Bob don’t drink anymore this evening.  In fact, you might want to separate them for the remainder of the night.”

FMG:  “That a good idea.  I’ll try.  Hard to keep them away from each other though but I will try.”

911:  “If everything is okay now I need to disconnect this call.”

FMG:  “Everything seems fine.  They are still rolling around on the ground and I think they just high-fived each other.  Goodbye.”

DON’T ASK!