Happy No Narcissism Day!

Yesterday, the author of Road to Nowhere received a challenge from The Hobbler.  It won’t be easy.  It seems most bloggers have a serious narcissistic tendency, which is okay.  Having a blog is largely geared towards writing about ourselves, our lives, our experiences, our thoughts, our opinions…yea, we’re full of ourselves.  Such a shame!

Turns out, there is a number to call for help…Thank you LizzieC!

But, this blogger must agree with The Hobbler…it is time to step out of our own spotlight and give someone – or something – a chance to shine!

Challenge accepted!

AND

Taking it a step further by making this an entire No Narcissism Weekend!  Oh yea…because that is how Lisa rolls!

The award title:  Not a Narcissist – perfect, don’t you think?  (See how that last question is about YOU and not about Lisa?)

Let’s start this selfless weekend with:

Florida Woman Busted For DUI Blames Poor Driving On Big Boobs: Maureen Raymond Arrested 

Here she is (no boob pictures could be found):

It seems Maureen suffers from what a lot of folks suffer from – the inability to think clearly while intoxicated.

Keep in mind the speed in which she was driving, her inability to stay in a lane AND the fact that she couldn’t park her car were NOT because she was drinking.  No sir!  Apparently, Maureen’s Boobs were driving that night and everyone knows when Boobs are in control, women and vehicles are basically at their mercy.

Women held hostage by their own breasts!  It’s a total nightmare.

It must be true that Boobs  have a personality of their own which would explain why men insist on staring at them and in some cases even talk to them.

Poor Maureen.  She was not just under the influence of alcohol.  She was also under the influence of Boobs.  Don’t you hate it when that happens?  Boobs did not want to take the field sobriety test but they did want to dance and be naked.  We should all probably send a thank you card to the cop who stopped her.  Nobody needs to see that.

MORAL TO THE STORY:  BOOBS shouldn’t let Boobs drive drunk!

Have a great weekend!

T.G.I.F!

Thank God it’s Friday…T.G.I.F.  I see it everywhere today on Facebook and it means nothing to me whatsoever.  All of my days tend to run together in a blur so Friday is really just a day like any other.  Which is okay.  I’m happy for any day I wake up breathing.  It’s all good.

Not too long ago, I posted on FB a couple of things that annoy me.  One being when people reply with just “k.”  What in the hell kind of response is that?  What am I to take from it?  K as in Special K – you missed breakfast this morning?  K as in OK – you’re telling me you’re okay?  K  as in OK Corral – you’re a history buff and want to share your knowledge with me?  I don’t get it.  It’s rude and yes, extremely annoying.

The other thing I mentioned on FB and in a blog was cell phones.  I hate them.  They annoy me.  I hate to hear them ring and I can’t stand talking on the phone.

I have a friend who has made an effort of working “k” into almost every comment she makes on my FB wall and I must admit, I laugh out loud every single time she does it.  She’s taken something that annoys me and made it funny and for that, I love her.  Last night she and I had an exchange on FB that went like this:

MY STATUS:  If my cell phone rings one more time and it’s not who I want it to be, I’m smashing it w/ a hammer.

BOO-BOO (This is my nickname for her):  Ring ring…… K

ME:  You are the ONLY person on this planet that can get away with that! lol!

BOO-BOO:  Gotta keep you on your toes with a smile on your face! 😉  lol you’ll never admit another thing that annoys you to me….. lmbo!

ME:  Not entirely true. I might tell you other things that annoy me just b/c you make me laugh at them. However, the list is quite long so it’ll keep YOU on YOUR toes! 😉

BOO-BOO:  One of my biggest pet peeves is people leaving shopping carts in the parking lot near cars. My oldest son’s previous girl friend always said she was going to wait for me to go inside Publix then surround my car with carts. Well, last week my car was surrounded but she was nowhere around…. It was funny until I realized it wasn’t her! I posted a pic of it…. lol

Here is the result of that shopping cart incident.  Yes, I LAUGHED!

A few minutes after that exchange, she posted this on my wall:  Compiling a list of “Things that annoy Lisa”  What ya got?…… Ready, set go!

So, at her request, I will list a few more things that annoy me and we’ll see what she can do!

1.  Hair left on the soap.  Explain this to me because it is so beyond disgusting I can’t get my head around why people do this.

2.  Noise when I’m sleeping.  I detest people waking me up but when they do it with annoying noise, it makes me want to go all Hannibal Lecter on their ass.

3.  Chip bags that get wadded up.  Let’s be orderly, shall we?  Fold down the top neatly, secure it with a clip.

4.  Cat hair on my towels.  We have 10 cats and I go to unbelievable extremes to make sure no cat hair gets on my towels. Seriously…hate drying off and walking out of the bathroom covered in enough fur to make another damn cat.

5.  People who play out family drama on Facebook.  SHUT UP.  We all get pissed and we all have probably written a status to say how pissed we are, but to have an entire Hatfield/McCoy scenario played out for the world to see?  Truly, we can all do without the drama.

6.  Smacking.  It’s simple.  Close your mouth when you eat.

7.  Hearing paper rattle.  Ok, even I have to admit this is a bizarre thing but it truly grates on my nerves.  Some people get freaked out with fingernails on a chalkboard, I get freaked out hearing paper rattle.

8.  People or a person standing over me.  For the love of all that is holy, find a chair and sit in it!  Don’t hover!

9.  Those ridiculous to get into without a jack hammer + a saw + ten other power tools + dynamite plastic covers that electronics or other items come in.  Really?  Is that necessary?

10.  Wadded up blankets.  This is perfectly acceptable when you’re sleeping alone.  Wad away!  But when you are sharing a bed with someone, it is impossible to get adequate blanket coverage when the other person insists on wadding up the bedding.

Before you all begin to think I’m completely insane (or is it too late?) I’ll stop for now.  This is only a partial list but it’s enough.

Have a great weekend friends!

Phones Are From Hell…

This morning, I asked a friend for a blog suggestion and he responds with “folks who can’t be reached by phone.”  There is a reason he said that.  The first reason being he’s really sarcastic (which often makes me laugh out loud) and the second is because he seldom reaches me by phone.

“My name is Lisa and I’m a phone hater.”

There.  It’s out.  They (whoever the hell they is) say the first step is admitting there is a problem, right?

Consider it admitted.

I hate talking on the phone.  More than I can say, I hate it.  I’m not even sure I can come up with any decent, justifiable reasons for it.  It’s just not fun.  It was fun back in the day when I was a teenager and had my own phone line in my bedroom.  Hell yes, I’d talk for hours and hours, all night long!  I’d go to school, catch up on my sleep in whatever class happened to be boring me the most so I could go home and start another phone-a-thon.  But now?  Ick.

I hate holding the phone.  I hate hearing it ring (so annoying it makes my teeth itch).  I hate knowing I’ve got to come up with clever and witty repartee’ on the spot (there’s no rehearsal time when it comes to spontaneous phone conversation – that’s a lot of damn pressure).  We don’t have a land line in our house so this means I’ve got to keep up with a cell phone (I suck at that) and  making sure it’s charged (I suck at that, too).  At this very moment, I can’t even tell you where my cell phone is which likely wouldn’t shock anyone who knows me or has ever tried to call me.  I’m not good with chit-chat and making small talk and if someone else is talking and has tons of interesting things to say and I’ve got nothing?  Well, then I just feel like a Kentucky Fried Idiot.  Who needs that kind of blow to the ego?  Certainly not me.

Catch me in person and I’m a great conversationalist…I think (it’s possible that is just my perception and I’m making it up).  I like the one-on-one interaction without the intrusion of an evil device.  I like to read people’s faces, watch their body language and actually see the person I’m speaking with.  THAT I can get into.

If you ask me, I think the same demon that created glitter also created the phone.   That these things came from Hell is the only real conclusion I can come to.

Now, having said all of that let me say this…my friend who made this blog suggestion is a truck driver and he is on the road  A LOT.  Obviously, when he’s driving he can’t text or send emails and I realize I am being completely unfair to him by not being reachable and not practicing proper phone etiquette i.e, knowing where the damn thing is and then making sure it’s actually charged.  Oh, and then ANSWERING when he calls (that’s the BIG one).   He’s so intelligent about so many things that I often feel intimidated by him because in my head, all I hear is me grunting and stumbling for words.    He can wax eloquent about any number of subjects and all I hear from me is “unh huh, grunt grunt huh unh.”  I sound like a fool.  It’s not pretty.  I know this.  Part of me wonders why he even wants to talk to me.  However, my intelligence or lack thereof, is another topic for another blog.

Maybe I should set phone goals for myself?  Starting this week, I’ll do the following:

1.  Know where my phone is at all times (could require wearing it on a chain around my neck or possibly stapling it to my forehead – we’ll see)

2.  Keeping it charged

3.  Taking a call or two (UGH)

Now, I guess I’d better go find the phone and plug it in.  That takes care of 1 and 2.  It’s #3 that is going to be tricky!

Conversation with The Kid…

Last night, I cheated for dinner and went to McDonald’s.  By cheated I mean I didn’t feel up to cooking.  I hadn’t eaten all day and my kid needed dinner so fast food won.

Before I tell my story, I need to share some background information.  First, I consider myself a proud member of the Grammar Police and when people use a wrong word or misspell a word, I cringe.  If it were at all possible, I’d be handing out citations.  Second, have you seen those folks that stand on the side of the street holding signs that advertise various businesses?  In our neighborhood, we’ve got dudes dressed like the Statue of Liberty advertising for a tax office, as in a “we do your taxes” office, not the IRS.  Anyway, these dudes stand on the street – weather is not a factor – dancing to no music, waving these signs all over the place (dropping them often), and last night while wearing those fabulous costumes our statues were having a poodle fight.

Poodle = those long, cylindrical flotation devices people play with in pools that look like noodles.  The technical name for these things may not be poodles but I couldn’t come up with anything else to call them.

Our statues stand in front of McDonald’s on the other side of the road at a big intersection so I often get the pleasure of watching them while waiting for the light to change.

I go into McDonald’s, pull up to the drive-thru and it goes something like this:

McD’s Person:  “Hi, welcome to McDonald’s!  May I take your order?”

Me:  “Food, food, food…blah blah blah.”

McD’s Person:  “Ok, that’ll be X $s (total escapes me at the moment).  Please pull forward.”

Me:  “Ok, thanks!”  I start to pull forward and I hear…

McD’s Person:  “You welcome.”

ERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!  (That is my super cool macho brake sound)

Me:  “Did she just say YOU welcome?  It isn’t YOU welcome, it is YOU’RE welcome.”  And my kid goes…

Kid:  “OMG, please Mom, just please!  Shut up!”  She has on her face the most panicked look I’ve ever seen.

Me:  “What kind of person am I if I continue to let her go through life speaking incorrectly?”

Kid:  glares at me, no doubt thinking “you’d be the quiet kind that doesn’t embarrass the hell out of me in public” but instead, just quietly says “Please, just don’t.”

Now at some point, I did pull forward and I did keep my mouth shut (mostly) but when McDonald’s person handed me the receipt, I did say “Thank you’re!” and I actually felt my kid roll her eyes.

We get our food, we leave.  We’re at the traffic light waiting again, and this conversation goes something like this:

Kid:  “They look really silly playing with those poodles like that.”

Me:  “Can you imagine the ad for that job?”

Must be willing to look like a fool for little pay.  Must also be willing to wear an insanely bright green costume (probably glows in the dark) while listening to tunes in your head because we won’t be giving you a radio while you dance.  Should be willing to play with pool toys on dry land.

Kid:  “You forget Must not have any dignity.”

Me:  (laughed) “You can’t say that.  At least they are working an honest job.”

Kid:  “Mom!  Look at them!”

Me:  “You should probably be nice because you may find yourself working a job you don’t love one day.”

Kid:  (in a rather snotty voice) “I don’t think so.  People don’t have jobs they hate.”

Me:  “Lord girl, you have so much to learn about life.”

Light turns, we move on and a couple of minutes later we pull into our driveway.  I stop the car and go to get out…

Me:  “I need to get my purse.”

Kid:  (in a sort of bitchy voice) “Well, I can’t give it to you!  My hands are full!” (she’s holding the drinks)

Me:  “I didn’t ask you to give it to me!  OMG!  You should stop talking before I smack you in the mouth!”

Kid:  “Yea, come at me bro!”

Such a little smartass!!!

Hats off to the Liberty Tax Dancers for making my time  at the traffic light a lot more entertaining!  This is not a job I could do so I have mad respect  for them.  I found this video and chose it because this guy has great hair, seems to be a rocker dude and he did not drop the sign…not one time!  Impressive!  Not sure if Toby is local but he’s fun to watch!

Duck Face and Other News…

It’s going to be a random day.  I can’t speak for everyone else but there are mornings when I wake up and just KNOW the day is going to be random and floopy…thank you Phoebe Buffay.  My mind is all over the place this morning, which isn’t anything new, but some days my thoughts are a bit more scattered than others.

Read an article earlier about a shooting threat at a local school.  Parents are keeping their kids home.  Or rather some are.  Some parents feel it’s just a prank and are sending their kids to the school.  Is this something parents really want to chance?  I wouldn’t.  I home school my daughter because of this kind of thing and about 100 more reasons.  I realize bad things can happen anywhere and my decision to home school my daughter, Emily is her name by the way, is not full-proof in guaranteeing her safety but I feel it helps.

This is my Emily.  She’s beautiful, isn’t she?  I hate to brag (ok, not really) but she’s a great kid.  I mean as far as kids go, she’s damn near perfect and I am probably the luckiest Mom alive.  She’s 11 now and absolutely owns my heart.  Honestly, I don’t think a person can know what REAL, true, deep unconditional love is until they have a child.  There is just nothing like it, man.  Nothing.  Anyway, my baby girl is a rocker (makes a rocker mama proud!), she loves music, fashion, art, and excels in all of her school subjects.  I’m just so proud!

Read another article where Oprah apologized for asking everyone to watch her network during the Grammy awards (via Twitter), especially those with a Neilsen box.  Um, Oprah?  Need attention much?  So pathetic AND it was the day after Whitney Houston died so I’m guessing the Grammy’s had more viewers that night than Oprah did.

And about Whitney, God rest her soul.  If I see another person post another joke about her death, I swear I’m going to scream.  When in the hell did our world become so cruel and so callous?  When did it become acceptable to disrespect someone’s death?  Or life, for that matter?  The woman had some serious talent and during her lifetime she did great work.  THAT is what we all need to remember about her.  I’ve actually unfriended a couple of folks on Facebook for making jokes about it.  Good riddance, assholes.  I’ve had to unlike several pages, too.  I just can’t tolerate it.  R.I.P. Whitney.

Now, to talk about a serious subject, one that is absolutely driving me batshit crazy…the Duck Face.  WHY?!  Why do chicks do this?!  I see these pictures all the time and can’t figure it out.  Ok, I realize the gist behind it is to make cheekbones look slimmer, is that right?  Lips pouty, face slim and the end result is what?  IT’S THIS:

Imagine my dismay when I discovered even Captain Kirk made the Duck Face!

And worst of all…my idol, my hero…Ozzy.  This one almost made me cry.

It can’t just be me that sees how ridiculous this is.  I know I’m not alone.  I can forgive Ozzy because…well, because he’s Ozzy and the man can do no wrong, but surely these girls see how stupid they look?  They just have to.  It’s an epidemic and it must be stopped.  There should be laws against it.  I think if SOPA is going to happen, there should be some kind of Duck Face clause worked into so people who violate this face law by putting these pictures on the internet are punished.  Just my opinion.

I’m done ranting  – for now.

This is one of my most favorite Ozzy songs.  Listen to the words.  It’s a great song.  Enjoy!

(Told you this would be random!)

And by the way…THIS is how a duck should look.  Cute, happy and wearing no pants.

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