Bad Dates Can Be Fun!

We’ve all had ’em right?  Those dates that just seemed to go on forever with no hope of ever ending – or so it felt.  From a woman’s perspective, anytime we go out with someone, we typically know within the first thirty minutes (or at least I do) if we’ll see a guy again.  There are signs we look for, little hints as to what kind of potential a guy has.  And yes, women go into just about every single date wondering “is this my forever man?”  At my age though, I’ll settle for the “six months  to a couple of years guy.”  I’m way past believing things last forever.  Call me jaded or cynical, but I’m also not stupid and see no reason to place unreasonable expectations on anything.

My standards are fairly high.  I want a man who is intelligent, funny, well-groomed, well-mannered, has their own life (so as not to be infringing on my space 24 hours a day), one who likes kids (I have one), one who likes animals (I have many), and one who shares some of the same interests – doesn’t have to be all, just some.  I prefer tall men.  I find long hair on a man very sexy (although this isn’t a deal breaker, I just prefer that rocker look).  I like tattoos (again, not a deal breaker but I have a few so if a man is turned off by them he’s out the door).  I like sex so that is a factor, too.  Means I can’t date priests.

Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day and while most folks will be going out this evening with a long-time love or at least someone they’ve been dating awhile, some are going out for the first time.   You must be prepared.  I realize today is the Day of Love and romance is in the air, blah blah blah but it could happen…Anti-Romantic Dork Guy could be lurking and if you’re one of the unlucky ones who happens to end up with him this evening, keep these ideas in mind for ending a bad date:

*  Eat your soup with a fork and spend the entire time complaining about the faulty utensils.

*  Periodically get up from the table, run around it a few times, flapping your arms and make bird noises.

*  Spend the entire date talking about how horrible your first period was.

*  If you can pull it off, wear a Cupid costume under your clothing.  When the time feels right, go to the restroom, come out dressed as Cupid and start pinging people will arrows shouting “LOVE!  YOU’RE IN LOVE!”   (No sharp points…otherwise, it’s a felony and this becomes a bad night for a whole different reason)

*  Ask the diners around you if you can take home their leftovers.

*  Lean over, start cutting up the steak for the guy at the table next to you.

*  If you’ve had a child, discuss childbirth in great detail during the meal.

*  Pretend you’re a turkey and end every sentence with “Gobble!”

*  Excuse yourself to go to the restroom.  When you come out, dance and sing all the way back to the table.  Make sure you take a bow before you sit down.

*  Ask your date to take at least one bite of everything on your plate and explain you aren’t paranoid, but just want to be sure nobody poisoned your food.

*  Try drooling and talking LOUDLY with your mouth full.

Now, I’ve never done any of these things…I swear.  That’s not to say I wouldn’t.  I’ve just not been so unfortunate as to have a date that required any of these emergency tactics.  But know, if I’m ever in the Bad Date Trap, I’d try some of them!

Enjoy your night out!  Happy Valentine’s Day!

Dun..dun…dun! SUPERWOMAN!

I have this special ability of annoying a particular person just by breathing.  Everything I say, everything I do is almost always wrong to his way of thinking.  This used to bother me until I realized this was HIS problem, not mine.   However, I had a friend point out the other day that this ability to annoy him just by being alive must be my “super power” which led me to thinking.  What super powers would women want if they had them?  Which powers would men want us to have?   Which ones do men think we have?  So, I did a bit of research.  I was astounded at the number of Super Human features a non-human can have!

This morning, I’m donning my cape (mine is pink, shiny, with a giant SL on it for Super Lisa) and pretending, for a moment, my life is a comic book.  My version of me in my comic book is stunning…really long waist length curly hair, bright green eyes, a to-die-for rack and a perfect round ass.  I rock in Comic Book World!  And yes, this list is likely going to offend men and it will come off as offensive because I’m fed up with them and because it’s my list and I can write it however I want.  Enjoy!

(NOTE:  My normal self is not at all man-hatey. It is just on this particular day when I began this blog, The One Who I Annoy by Breathing had really gotten to me)

SUPER POWERS MEN THINK WE HAVE:

1.  Energy sourcing:  Guys, our energy is not endless.  We do not have the ability to tap into a light bulb and make more energy.  At the end of the day after working, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, taking care of kids and pets, running errands and doing God knows what else is expected of us, there is a reason we aren’t in the mood for love.  We’re freakin’ tired.  Maybe if you would pitch in a bit more, you’d get lucky more often.

2.  Echolocation:  “Honey, where is the remote?”  “Hey babe, do you know where my shoes are?”  “Sweetheart, have you seen my car keys?”  NEWSFLASH MEN:  We do not have the ability to conjour up the location of objects you’ve misplaced.  There is no way for us to know where you left your crap.  YOU find it.

3.  Invulnerability:  Your words and actions can and do hurt us when you do not bother to think before you speak or do.  We won’t always tell you this because we like to sometimes secretly plot revenge against you, but know it’s true.  We are vulnerable and would truly appreciate it if you men were a bit more compassionate.  It could save your life one day.

4.  Telepathy:  Sweet baby crickets!  This is a big one!  Men, we can not read your minds!  If something is in there it works out so much better for everyone if you just say it.  Otherwise, you are leaving it up to women to assume how you feel or what you think and this never ends well!  Not for you, not for us.  Speak up guys!

5.   Size shifting:  Think we’re getting chubby? Maybe we’ve put on a couple of pounds?  Deal with it b/c this shit isn’t going to melt off overnight just because you want it to…and might we just point out that beer gut you’ve got going on?  Not near as manly as you think it is.

SUPER POWERS MEN WISH WE HAD:

1.  Mutation:  You joined in this relationship knowing how we look and while we may change over the years, you are supposed to love us no matter what.  Stop spending so much time ogling models and chicks who dress like whores.  REAL women do not look this way, you are insulting us when you do this.  We mostly hate it so stop doing it.

2.  Echolocation:  I mention this one again for the obvious reason.

3.  Super Speed:  NO, we can’t get ready any faster!  Back off!  We’ll be ready when we’re ready and if other women are anything like me, the more we’re nagged to hurry up the slower we move.

4.  Telepathy:  This one would let men off the hook.  They’d not have to speak (which admittedly can be a blessing at times) and we’d know what they are thinking.  No such luck.

5.  Accelerated Healing:  Honestly, I’m clueless as to why grown men revert back to toddlers when they get sick.  It boggles my mind.  So men, as much as we’d love to make it all better, we can’t.  You’ll have to let that little cold run it’s course!

SUPER POWERS WOMEN WISH WE HAD:

1.  Super Human Strength:  There isn’t a woman out there who doesn’t work her ass off to try and do it all and make everyone happy.   This power would come in handy every second of everyday.

2.  Shape Shifting and/or Mutation:  I threw this in here because it occurs to me how incredibly funny it would be to shape shift myself into the body of Marilyn Monroe then refuse to put out!   🙂

3.  Duplication:  If we can’t have Super Human Strength, this one will suffice.  More of us, more gets done.

4.  Invisibility:  This one should be obvious.

5.  Heat Vision:  Be glad women don’t have this one.  Otherwise, while walking down the street, you’d see a lot of men with holes burned right through them.

I started writing this blog three days ago (see?  I told you all I procrastinate) and in my head I’ve got several other blogs written.  Guess I better get busy, eh?

You guys have a SUPER day!

(Thank you Denise for the inspiration)

Top 10 Signs Your a Facebook Addict…

Alrighty, confession time.  I’ve got issues.  Probably “seek help immediately” issues with Facebook.  I’m on it ALL day.  I may not be watching or posting or updating every second of every day but I’m signed in, no doubt.  It’s gotten so bad that while I’m at work, my Mom and my daughter and anyone else who needs me just sends a message on FB before attempting to call my cell because they can get in touch with me quicker.  THAT is how bad it is. 

Now notice, before you read my list, I am employed and I’ve managed to keep this job for quite sometime.  Therefore, this list isn’t all about me, right?  Yea, right.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE ADDICTED TO FACEBOOK (in no particular order…):

1.  You have convinced yourself that spending inordinate amounts of time checking your ex’s profile isn’t really stalking but making sure he’s at last found happiness.  NOTE:  This one is probably the biggest load of crap on my list and I’ll tell you why.  Any woman, or man for that matter, who says they want their ex to “find happiness” is full of crap.  We don’t.  What we do want to find is some sign he’s miserable so we can gloat on OUR page in hopes he’ll see it while scrolling through his newsfeed.

2.  You’ve been fired from 12 different jobs because you spend more time on FB than you do working.

3.  Your FB status updates have turned into “tweets” because you update it every five minutes.

4.  You look forward to a “poke” on FB more than you do the bedroom.

5.  You’ve recently realized you can’t remember that last time you spent any time with “3 dimensional people.”

6.  You find yourself “liking” everything simply because you can’t stop clicking…including your own posts.

7.  You’ve started plotting revenge on people who don’t “like” your photos.

8.  You are sleep deprived because you get up 27 times a night to see if anyone has commented on your last status update or posted anything to your wall.

9.  No way in hell you could ever grow vegetables in your own backyard but damned if you’re not “The King of the Plow” on Farmville!

10.  Without FB, you’d never have a clue when anyone’s birthday is anymore.

Oh yea!  Find me on Facebook!  😀

The War on Hotdogs…

Yesterday, I was reading articles from Cracked.com.  If you’ve never been to this site before you really have to check it out.  NOT if you get easily offended though because some of the stuff on there is a bit much but if you can handle it, by all means take a look.  There are many times I’ve laughed out loud while reading this site and yesterday was no exception.  I stumbled upon an article about the worst PSAs (public service announcements) on drugs and honestly…well, you’ll see.

Before anyone gets all wadded up, know I am NOT making fun of drug addicts or anyone who struggles with addiction.  I do realize what a serious problem it is.  I’m also a Mom so don’t think for one second that I’ve not threatened bodily harm to my kid if I EVER find out she’s done or is doing drugs.  I catch her messing around with ’em, and shit is gonna get real – no doubt.  I’m not the type of parent who would sit around hoping the issue goes away on its own. 

The purpose of this blog is to actually encourage parents to take a firm stand with their kids and understand it’s up to us to educate them and keep an eye on them.  Sex, drugs…WE have to take a stand with our kids and let them know the deal.  WE must be the ones to teach them, love them, take care of them.  We cannot count on schools (teachers, counselors) to do the work for us and we damn sure canNOT count on our government, especially since government agencies insist on creating these ridiculous PSAs.  Now, they’ve gotten a bit more real over the years, I’ll admit that.  But there was a time when they were so insane and funny that the only message a kid (such as myself) got from them is “This is my brain on drugs?  Hell, now I just want an egg sandwich.”  I was one of the lucky ones though.  Yes I smoked pot quite a bit when I was younger but it never became a problem.  I just decided I didn’t like it so I didn’t do it anymore.  Not a big deal.

Anyway…while on Cracked.com yesterday, I saw this PSA for LSD and practically laughed myself into oblivion before I realized the real meaning behind the video…thousands of hotdogs die every year due to the use of LSD.  It’s a serious problem here in the U.S. and in other countries, as well.  The wives, the children of hotdogs lose loved ones too often to this horrible drug.  It’s simply unfair.  So the next time you or someone you  know decides to drop a hit PLEASE…stay away from the innocent hotdogs.  We must stop the madness!

The Aging Birds and Bees…

DISCLAIMER:  If talk of sex and relationships offend you, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.  I’m not saying this is going to get into porn territory but I am saying there’ll be an “adult” conversation.  Still going to read?  Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

And Mom, you especially will NOT want to read this.

The other night, during one of Ghost Walk’s radio shows, we were all in chat and somehow to topic of food came up. 

Yes, food.  Bear with me…I’ll get there. 

We all threw into the chatroom our favorite foods and it occurred to me I’d not really eaten that day because I had no Prilosec. 

Yes, Prilosec – the stuff for acid reflux. 

OMG you impatient people…the sex stuff is coming up!  Just wait, bunch of perverts!  Jeez!

And that let me to mull over how, as we get older (and yes I am “older”) our basic needs and wants change so dramatically…like our favorite foods, what we can and can not eat after a certain time of day because we get so damn old our bodies begin to dictate our mealtimes, what we consider entertainment, the things we get excited about – like a damn nap during the day.  Then all of that led me to thinking about sex and relationships.

There!  Are you happy now?!  Here we go!

When I was younger, considerably younger, a “relationship” in my head constituted a period of time, dating the same guy or possibly more than one, with little conversation yet spending every minute with him and having a lot of sex.  A LOT of sex.  All day and night marathon sex, in the car, outside, in public – wherever.  It didn’t matter.  Less talk, more sex.  THAT was my idea of a relationship.  Aaaah, good times!  I could eat Chef Boyardee or pizza any freakin’ time of day or night I wanted to.  No heartburn!  Sleep was not an issue because 20+ years ago I didn’t need it.  I could go for days on no sleep and it didn’t matter. 

Jump ahead 20+ years and well, things aren’t quite the same.  Sadly.

Since my younger days, I’ve been married 3 times.  Yes, three times.  All of them to men who insisted on staying stuck up my ass 24 hours a day.  I hate that.  I hate that feeling of being smothered.  It is my belief that all people – married, not married, in relationships or not in relationships – need time to themselves.  No matter how much I love and care about a man, as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized I do not need to spend every waking second with him.  Really  men – go away for a little while.  Give us a chance to miss you.  We’ll appreciate you more.  Same goes for women…don’t be clingy.  Men hate that and it makes you look really damn desperate.  Who needs that crap?  Get a hobby people!  Anyway, I’ve gotten off track a bit. 

As we get older, those days of hanging from the ceiling or doing it upside down kinda fade away.  It’s a gradual thing, at least it was for me.  I still love sex, I still like lots of it, but how many of us now find ourselves doing exercises to limber up first or throwing some Bengay (the odorless kind – that “original” smell can ruin a mood) on our knees so we can get all bendy without excruciating pain?  Admit it…we get older and sometimes there’s a bit of prep time involved before we can commence to lovemaking.   Women, we can still seductively go away to slip into something more comfortable, but while you’re locked away in the bathroom, shoving the ladies back UP where they belong in that sexy lingerie, you’re stretching and medicating and hoping  like Hell in the middle of a hot night of sex you don’t get a Charlie Horse in your leg.  And well, you’re not 20 anymore so it’s not even a hot night, it’s more like a hot hour or two.  You can do this…you can get through a couple of hours without screaming “OMG!  LEG CRAMP!  GET OFF ME!” 

There is seldom anymore of the after sex “I’m hungry, wanna go grab a burger?”  and then after eating, quickly undressing and going at it again…probably in the parking lot of whatever fast food place you ate said burger.

It’s more like “Damn, I need a nap now.  Hey, you have any Tums?”  and after 8 hours of sleep, a cup of coffee, peeing, brushing our teeth, feeding the cat, and  probably peeing again because the coffee has gotten to you…THEN you can do it again, slowly of course because you’re still exhausted from the night before.   Or it might come down to not doing it and just saying “Oh babe,  I’m too tired.  Can we just snuggle?”  Then drifting right off to sleep.   Which is okay.  Snuggling is good.  I enjoy it tremendously.  But in the end, my man is going to sleep with a smile on his face.  Guaranteed.

Things change folks.  We get older and we have to make adjustments in our sex life.  It’s just how it is.  And while I’m on the subject, when in the hell did men get so lazy?  What happened guys?  I realize a woman on top is hot – we like it too, but honestly can you not do some of the work?  Just some?!  Younger men might be learning but Lord knows their trying and they REALLY try, but older men?  LAZY.  It’s a real shame. 

No matter how old we get though, sex is still great.  Honestly, even though there are more issues to consider as we age, I think it’s better as we get older.  It means more.  Most of us save our intimate moments for a person we truly care about, or I do anyway, and that makes a difference.  I’m a one man woman now and I couldn’t be happier.  No more of those slutty ways for me, no sir!  I need a man in my life who appreciates me for who I am, what I am, and can overlook all of those crazy things that happen to a woman as she ages.  

So to men out there who are older and insist on trying to hook up with a woman half their age, might I suggest finding a woman your own age?  We might be older and we might take a bit longer to get ready for sex, but in the end, we’re worth it.  We put in the time it takes to please you.  That makes us worth it.  Very worth it.