To Anita, From Umona…

I’m one of the weirdos who actually enjoys reading spam mail.  Or at least some of it and the people who send these crazy emails asking for my personal banking account information seriously crack me up.  Today, I’ve decided to experiment and write one of these nuts back.  I created a fake email address…let’s see what happens.  I’m PRAYING I get a reply.

Here is the email I got:

From: Anita Sayed <anitasayed46@hotmail.fr>
Sent: Saturday, February 18, 2012 12:41 PM
Subject: From: Anita Sayed

From: Anita Sayed

My Dear,

It is my pleasure to contact you for a business which am intend to establish inyour country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe one has torisk confiding in succeed sometimes in life.

I can confide on you for the brighter future of my life since you are a humanbeing like me. But what i need from you is Truth, Trust and Honest.

There is this huge amount of four Million Five Hundred Thousand united statesdollars. ($4.500.000.00) which my late Father Deposited for me in the Bank herein Abidjan Cote D’ivoireas his next of kin before he died out of sickness.

Now” am decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safeenough for security and political reasons.

I want you to help me to transfer my inheritance money into your personalaccount in your country for investment purposes on these areas:

1). Telecommunication
2). The transport industry
3). Five star hotel
4). Real Estate
5) Company enterprise

If you can be of an assistance to me, i will be pleased to offer to you 20% ofthe total fund.

I will be humbly waiting your soonest response.

Respectfully yours,

Miss Anita Sayed

And here is my reply:

Dear Ms. Sayed,

I appreciate your taking the time to write to me about a matter of such importance.  It must’ve taken quite a bit of courage for you to contact a perfect stranger about such a large sum of money.

However, I regret to inform you…I am not human and I am not like you.  Since you have trusted me with your confidence, I feel I must do the same.

I belong to an underground coven of vampire/werewolf hybrids who, as a hobby, practice witchcraft.  Our race is dwindling and there are only a few of us left which is why we choose to live underground.  We prey only on those who do harm to others and occasionally, to people who send us ridiculous spam email.  You might find it odd that a coven of hybrids such as ourselves have computer access.  Do not be alarmed.  We have found it necessary to keep track of hunters by way of the internet.  It must shock you to find out there are hunters stupid enough to Geo Cache.  We were shocked, too.

We do find your offer intriguing, but as you’ve probably guessed we have no use for hotels, real estate or company enterprise.  If your offer included raw meat, blood banks and WiFi then we might be interested.

Thank you for taking the time to contact me.  If you do not hear back from me again, it means I’ve gone out hunting and you may not be aware, but that can take quite some time depending on my form – I just never know when I’ll be a vampire or a werewolf.  Or both, which gets tricky.

Sincerely,

Umona, Queen of the Underground

Best Liar Award…

Doing this because it just sounded fun!

This lady is one of my favorite bloggers.  She just tells it like it is and I appreciate her honesty and humor.  She created the Best Liar Award and here are her rules…THERE ARE NO RULES!  Gotta love that, right?

Basically, you write six statements about yourself – 3 true, 3 untrue – then ask your readers to guess which ones are true.

So, here I go:

1.  Once, my best friend and I chased emergency vehicles w/ lights on and ended up stuck in a police shootout.

2.  I’m a descendant from Royalty.

3.  Every Sunday I spend the day cooking meals for the entire week.

4.  I think in even numbers (some say it’s a form of OCD…to them, I say shut up – twice)

5.  While riding a bike when I was a kid, I crashed into a brick mailbox, landed in a bush, and broke off a toenail.

6.  I won $1,000 in a poker tournament

Ok, so what’s true?  What’s not true?

More from The Hobbler

If you want to do this, I would love to guess some of yours, so make your own blog entry about it and give me a link…unless you don’t want me to know, in which case you are kind of mean, but whatever…there is no rule saying you have to thank me for the awesome idea. Also, if you want to hear someone else’s truths and lies, you could send them the Best Liar link, but they don’t have to do it if they don’t want to. 

And I know there is no rule that says we must say thank you for the idea, but I loved this idea so THANK YOU!

Valentine’s Day – Like Doom’s Day but Different

It’s a little early but I felt that getting this blog out there ahead of time might save a few folks from some embarrassment…and a night or ten in the doghouse.

The history of Valentine’s Day is rather complex and mysterious, believe it or not.  It’s really not about some fat little cherub wearing only a diaper shooting people in the heart with a magical love bow and arrow.  There is some real history with this special day.  I won’t bore you with details and if you want to read more, visit the History website, but I’ll break it down for you:

Theory #1:  this one is about a priest, Valentine, who performed secret marriages because a guy named Claudius decided married men made bad soldiers.  Claudius outlawed marriage so his young soldier recruits wouldn’t be so bogged down with family, responsibility, love.  This guy seems like a real ass but what do I know?  Anyway, Valentine decided he’d take it upon himself to marry folks in secret only to be put to death once Claudius discovered what he was doing.  Quite frankly, I think the whole “Emporer” title went to Claudius’ head and basically he was just a bitchy guy who obviously didn’t get laid much.  Now some theorists believe Valentine was killed for helping Christians escape Roman prisons, but I’m not falling for it.  The Emporer is GUILTY.  Valentine’s heroic actions perpetuated love!

Theory #2:  The story here is Valentine sent the first “valentine” himself.  He fell in love while in prison (how exactly does this happen anyway?  another day, another blog – I actually have a prison love story myself) and he sent a love letter to the girl he loved, signing it “From Your Valentine.”  I can’t find any details about whether this girl reciprocated in kind but I like to think she did.  Seems Valentine had a kind of rough life so he probably needed the affection.

Theory #3:  Valentine’s Day is a celebration of St. Valentine’s life and death.  However, others believe that Christians began the tradition of celebrating Valentine’s feast day during mid-February to give a religious spin on a Pagan event called the Lupercalia festival.  In ancient Rome, spring was the season of purification and people spent ridiculous amounts of time getting rid of dirt and sprinkling salt throughout their homes.  I’m giving a high-five to celebrating St. Valentine’s life and death because to put it bluntly, any day or festival that celebrates cleaning is crap.  Who needs that?  I want love and romance!  Not a day or season dedicated to sweeping and mopping!

Whatever the real story behind this wonderful day (that’s sarcasm…I’m single…it’s not that wonderful) I think Valentine was basically a romantic guy who got the shit end of the deal.  Quite frankly, if I see a chubby nappy wearing dude coming at me with a weapon, I’m kicking his ass.  So, to help all of you (men especially because you guys always screw this up) I’ve made a list of the Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts Ever (these are in no particular order – they all suck):

1.  Light-switch plate with a monkey & heart on it:  I don’t even feel this one needs explanation just keep in mind men, that IF you give your woman this gift, every single time she turns on and off the light her ONLY thought will be what an idiot you are.

2.  Fake roses:  One word – TACKY. 

3.  Gift card or cash:  unless your woman specifically asks for this, DON’T do it.  The message here is “you are not important enough for me to waste time on looking for a real gift” or “I’m the laziest dude you know.”  Either way, you lose.

4.  Novelty sex gifts:  fuzzy handcuffs, edible underwear, Aphrodisiac cookbook?  ALL BAD.  Guys, this is the one day a year we truly want real romance.  None of these things say romance.  What they do say, however, is that you either think of us as hookers (and if that is the case, just skip  the novelty crap and hand over the cash) or that you are stupid enough to insult us in such a way you’ll never eat in our kitchen again, let alone have sex.

5.  Heart-shaped doormat:  really?  I could not believe I even stumbled across this gift while on my search.  Yes, if you want us to walk all over and wipe our feet on your heart and gesture of love, go for it but I don’t recommend it.

6.  Small appliances:  again, this is one of those things where unless we ask for it, don’t do it.  This should be reserved mostly for a random day where you can say, without fear of getting clobbered, “Oh, I remembered how much you hate our old coffee pot so I got you this brand new Keurig!”  Otherwise, don’t give your sweetheart a toaster because all she’ll do is stand in the kitchen, burning toast on purpose, wishing it was your head.

7.   Repeat of the same gift you got last year:  WE REMEMBER.

8.  A flying squirrel:  this one surprised me more than the doormat, but it seems some moron somewhere got his girlfriend a flying squirrel for Valentine’s day one year and subsequently, she ended up in the ER that night receiving a series of rabies shots.  This does NOT spell R-O-M-A-N-C-E.  Men, there will never be a time or place in any Universe where we’ll want a rodent for a gift.  It just isn’t going to happen.

9.  Anything weight loss related:  Trust me when I say, women live with their own personal self images and they are seldom ever good.  What we do not need is a reminder from the men we love that we’re not Supermodels.  This is a sure-fire way to be sure you NEVER see us naked again so think about that one before making the purchase.

10.  No gift at all:  forget Valentine’s day or don’t bother with a gift?  You’re doomed to a life of never being allowed to forget it and this is no way to live because we women can be relentless and we will go out of our way to make sure you regret it.  This will also set you up for years and years of having to make this up to us which won’t be much fun for you at all.

The truth of the matter is, women just want to be acknowledged.  I mean I can’t speak for every woman, but for me it’s just a matter of saying “I love you.”  I do not need fancy gifts nor do I want them.  This is not to say I’m giving permission for anyone to get me a flying squirrel, no.  But all I am saying is if you guys will THINK with your HEARTS and pay attention to women, then you’ll know the right thing to do. 

DISCLAIMER:  This blog can easily be reversed so women don’t screw up, too.  I do realize there are men out there who really appreciate romance and love to know they are loved.  It’s just women are SO much better at being romantic so that’s why I aimed this towards the male species. 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Bringing Spam Mail to Life…

My mood today is being affected by the weather, which is rainy, cloudy, dark and dreary.  So in an attempt to lighten my mood and hopefully the moods of others who are experiencing this dreadful weather, I’ve decided to bring my spam mail to life. 

How I imagine my life if I actually accepted these bizarre offers…

Waking up in the morning and discovering I can cross off  from my to do list “plan menu” because low and behold I’ve just been given a lifetime of free lobster! 

What’s this?  In two minutes I will be $1000 richer!  Since I don’t have to grocery shop now thanks to free seafood I can go now a shopping spree!

Feeling guilty because I am still shaving my legs when apparently it just is not necessary because some doctor with a Luke Skywalker complex will remove all of the hair with some type of light saber device which will cost me $1000.  Damn.  There goes my shopping trip.

Concerned because someone somewhere is continually running a background check on me.  I’m beginning to get a bit paranoid and wondering if I should either find out who this stranger is and put a stop to it or start living a more interesting life so said stranger will have something more exciting to read. 

Oh wait a hot minute!   My shopping spree may be lost because of Dr. Skywalker but my meal dilemma has been solved!  I just received $100 worth of McDonald’s!  My daughter will be thrilled!

Mr. Mike is waiting on me to call him with my banking account information so he can send me payments immediately…whew!  Looks like that whole debacle with losing my $1000 has been resolved.  Thank God.  I was worried.

In the dating scene, it appears I’m about to get really lucky.  So many hot men just waiting on me to contact them and then apparently all my dreams of true romance will come true!  Gee, there are so many…how will I ever decide?

It’s possible I should not discuss with hot men that if I had a penis, it could be ten times it’s “normal” size making it much bigger than theirs if I took the deeply discounted, almost free little purple pills.  I’d hate to give any of them a complex.  I’d feel terrible.

See?  It helps to laugh as I imagine myself in these ridiculous situations!  Much more entertaining than watching it rain.

Have a good day folks and remember…if you need a laugh, imagine yourself at the mercy of Dr. Skywalker before you delete that spam!

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