A Halloween Poem

(I saw this photo and these words came to me…please keep in mind I’m no Shakespeare!)

Shadow hides in the full moon
Into the darkness, it’s gone too soon.

Swift as a blink
This creatures does slink

Further into the dark
The distant cry of a lark

Be not afraid
His greeting we’re bade

Be not wings of a bat
It is a sneaky cat!


The Day I Woke Up a Diabetic

We’ve all heard the saying, “I love you like a fat girl loves cake.”  Allow me to introduce myself.  I am that fat girl.  I am that fat girl who has had a lifelong love affair with cake.  In fact, I’ve cheated on cake with candy, pies and sodas.  I’m a Cake Whore.


Last Friday night I went to the ER for chest pains.  Understand I have to be completely freaked out in order to go to the ER.  Or to visit a doctor for that matter.  I’m not a fan of the whole medical/needle/medication process.  Friday night I was scared.  I was in tremendous pain.  My chest, shoulders, left arm and left hand felt as if they were on fire.  On Thursday that same pain came and went rather quickly.  Friday afternoon it began again and wouldn’t let up so after much debate, my boyfriend said “You’re going.”  I went.

I was promptly taken back and the usual tests were conducted.  An EKG, cardiac enzymes were tested and I was hooked up to machines then taken for x-rays.  It was not long before the ER doctor came in and said, “Your heart is fine but I strongly suspect you are diabetic.”  My fasting blood sugar was way too high.  This coupled with a myriad of health issues I’ve been dealing with led him to this conclusion.  The “official” diagnosis when I left the hospital was Type II Diabetes and I was given instructions to find a primary care physician immediately.  Saturday morning I woke up a diabetic.

Now it’s confession time.  I’ve not gone to the doctor in a lot of years.  I won’t give an exact date here because it is, quite frankly, embarrassing.  The truth is my health has not been priority.  EVER.  The other truth is I simply haven’t cared until I started getting older.  I think a lot of us have that moment of clarity when we realize that we’re not young anymore and we certainly aren’t going to get younger.  It’s a rather shocking moment.  A minute ago I was 20.  Now I’m 47.  Where exactly did that time go?

I realize an actual official diagnosis will hinge on what my new primary care physician says but I will not be at all shocked if the ER doctor was spot on.  This means change.  Have I mentioned how much I abhor change?  I am bad with it.  Seriously bad with it.

As I write this, my attitude is quite positive.  My logical self understands it is treatable with diet, exercise and medication.  My logical self knows precisely what needs to change and how to go about that change but my illogical self?  She’s a real pain in the ass.  Do not be surprised if one day you find me chained to a bakery with explosives strapped to my waist because I’ve lost my mind and that sneaky little bitch has driven me over the edge.


However, until that day comes I will work on a new lifestyle.  I’ll take it one day at a time.  I’ll do my best and if I fail, I’ll begin again.  I know it won’t be easy but onward and upward, right?


Have You Met Yourself?

Lately, I’ve been obsessed with my age.  I will be 47 in May.  This is way…WAY too close to 50.  I don’t care what anyone says.  50 is a big number and I’m not happy with it; however, I want to be.

I want to be excited about getting older.  I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling like aging can mean life is over.  We think a lot about our younger firsts – first time we ride a bike without help from Mom and Dad, our first kiss, our first date, our first home on our own and we wonder what’s left.  Somehow along the way I became convinced I would have no more firsts after a certain age.  I was wrong.

This recent (and disturbing) obsession I have with getting older is on the heels of my Daddy being diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure.  My rational self knows people live for years with CHF.  My irrational self will freak out and tell you this is MY Daddy and losing him isn’t an option.  Losing either of my parents is a thing that honestly is beyond my realm of comprehension but the truth is they are older, I’m getting older and I need to get gripped.

Our parents get older and drag us right along with them.  Unfair all over the place, isn’t it?   All of this obsessing over aging has got me thinking…more.

I’ve not been pleased with myself.  I waste a great deal of time wishing instead of doing.  I waste too much time dreading instead of embracing.  I also waste time wanting instead of getting.  This all MUST change.

Having had some time to contemplate what all of this might mean, I realized something.  We go through life growing up and changing…we’re children, teenagers, young adults and through all of this we meet new people.  We put an effort in getting to know people.  We talk to them, ask questions and want to understand what they’re about but how many of us have truly gotten to know ourselves?  How many of us have thought about or brushed off our own quirks, delved deep into our own psyche, paid clear attention to our own habits – good or bad or explored our own dreams and desires?

I’m wondering if you’ve met yourself?

Until recently, I don’t think I had.

Humans are a constant work-in-progress which, I feel, is as it should be.  To sit still and do nothing is a shameful crime we commit to ourselves.   I met myself and realized I’m a criminal. I’ve concluded I’m robbing myself completely blind and I’m ALLOWING myself to be blinded by fear, doubt and if I’m being honest (which is how I roll) sheer laziness has also gotten the best of me.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t hate myself.  Overall I think I’m a decent person and I have qualities that I truly love so my focus from this point on needs to be – WILL BE – reminding myself daily of the things I do love while changing what I don’t love and there is where I’ll find more firsts.  If I continue to move forward and continue to evolve there will always be new first moments.   There, in the midst of personal transformation I will find happiness and ultimately peace.

Today, I met myself and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to meet someone in my life.

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