Conversation with The Kid…

Last night, I cheated for dinner and went to McDonald’s.  By cheated I mean I didn’t feel up to cooking.  I hadn’t eaten all day and my kid needed dinner so fast food won.

Before I tell my story, I need to share some background information.  First, I consider myself a proud member of the Grammar Police and when people use a wrong word or misspell a word, I cringe.  If it were at all possible, I’d be handing out citations.  Second, have you seen those folks that stand on the side of the street holding signs that advertise various businesses?  In our neighborhood, we’ve got dudes dressed like the Statue of Liberty advertising for a tax office, as in a “we do your taxes” office, not the IRS.  Anyway, these dudes stand on the street – weather is not a factor – dancing to no music, waving these signs all over the place (dropping them often), and last night while wearing those fabulous costumes our statues were having a poodle fight.

Poodle = those long, cylindrical flotation devices people play with in pools that look like noodles.  The technical name for these things may not be poodles but I couldn’t come up with anything else to call them.

Our statues stand in front of McDonald’s on the other side of the road at a big intersection so I often get the pleasure of watching them while waiting for the light to change.

I go into McDonald’s, pull up to the drive-thru and it goes something like this:

McD’s Person:  “Hi, welcome to McDonald’s!  May I take your order?”

Me:  “Food, food, food…blah blah blah.”

McD’s Person:  “Ok, that’ll be X $s (total escapes me at the moment).  Please pull forward.”

Me:  “Ok, thanks!”  I start to pull forward and I hear…

McD’s Person:  “You welcome.”

ERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!  (That is my super cool macho brake sound)

Me:  “Did she just say YOU welcome?  It isn’t YOU welcome, it is YOU’RE welcome.”  And my kid goes…

Kid:  “OMG, please Mom, just please!  Shut up!”  She has on her face the most panicked look I’ve ever seen.

Me:  “What kind of person am I if I continue to let her go through life speaking incorrectly?”

Kid:  glares at me, no doubt thinking “you’d be the quiet kind that doesn’t embarrass the hell out of me in public” but instead, just quietly says “Please, just don’t.”

Now at some point, I did pull forward and I did keep my mouth shut (mostly) but when McDonald’s person handed me the receipt, I did say “Thank you’re!” and I actually felt my kid roll her eyes.

We get our food, we leave.  We’re at the traffic light waiting again, and this conversation goes something like this:

Kid:  “They look really silly playing with those poodles like that.”

Me:  “Can you imagine the ad for that job?”

Must be willing to look like a fool for little pay.  Must also be willing to wear an insanely bright green costume (probably glows in the dark) while listening to tunes in your head because we won’t be giving you a radio while you dance.  Should be willing to play with pool toys on dry land.

Kid:  “You forget Must not have any dignity.”

Me:  (laughed) “You can’t say that.  At least they are working an honest job.”

Kid:  “Mom!  Look at them!”

Me:  “You should probably be nice because you may find yourself working a job you don’t love one day.”

Kid:  (in a rather snotty voice) “I don’t think so.  People don’t have jobs they hate.”

Me:  “Lord girl, you have so much to learn about life.”

Light turns, we move on and a couple of minutes later we pull into our driveway.  I stop the car and go to get out…

Me:  “I need to get my purse.”

Kid:  (in a sort of bitchy voice) “Well, I can’t give it to you!  My hands are full!” (she’s holding the drinks)

Me:  “I didn’t ask you to give it to me!  OMG!  You should stop talking before I smack you in the mouth!”

Kid:  “Yea, come at me bro!”

Such a little smartass!!!

Hats off to the Liberty Tax Dancers for making my time  at the traffic light a lot more entertaining!  This is not a job I could do so I have mad respect  for them.  I found this video and chose it because this guy has great hair, seems to be a rocker dude and he did not drop the sign…not one time!  Impressive!  Not sure if Toby is local but he’s fun to watch!

Duck Face and Other News…

It’s going to be a random day.  I can’t speak for everyone else but there are mornings when I wake up and just KNOW the day is going to be random and floopy…thank you Phoebe Buffay.  My mind is all over the place this morning, which isn’t anything new, but some days my thoughts are a bit more scattered than others.

Read an article earlier about a shooting threat at a local school.  Parents are keeping their kids home.  Or rather some are.  Some parents feel it’s just a prank and are sending their kids to the school.  Is this something parents really want to chance?  I wouldn’t.  I home school my daughter because of this kind of thing and about 100 more reasons.  I realize bad things can happen anywhere and my decision to home school my daughter, Emily is her name by the way, is not full-proof in guaranteeing her safety but I feel it helps.

This is my Emily.  She’s beautiful, isn’t she?  I hate to brag (ok, not really) but she’s a great kid.  I mean as far as kids go, she’s damn near perfect and I am probably the luckiest Mom alive.  She’s 11 now and absolutely owns my heart.  Honestly, I don’t think a person can know what REAL, true, deep unconditional love is until they have a child.  There is just nothing like it, man.  Nothing.  Anyway, my baby girl is a rocker (makes a rocker mama proud!), she loves music, fashion, art, and excels in all of her school subjects.  I’m just so proud!

Read another article where Oprah apologized for asking everyone to watch her network during the Grammy awards (via Twitter), especially those with a Neilsen box.  Um, Oprah?  Need attention much?  So pathetic AND it was the day after Whitney Houston died so I’m guessing the Grammy’s had more viewers that night than Oprah did.

And about Whitney, God rest her soul.  If I see another person post another joke about her death, I swear I’m going to scream.  When in the hell did our world become so cruel and so callous?  When did it become acceptable to disrespect someone’s death?  Or life, for that matter?  The woman had some serious talent and during her lifetime she did great work.  THAT is what we all need to remember about her.  I’ve actually unfriended a couple of folks on Facebook for making jokes about it.  Good riddance, assholes.  I’ve had to unlike several pages, too.  I just can’t tolerate it.  R.I.P. Whitney.

Now, to talk about a serious subject, one that is absolutely driving me batshit crazy…the Duck Face.  WHY?!  Why do chicks do this?!  I see these pictures all the time and can’t figure it out.  Ok, I realize the gist behind it is to make cheekbones look slimmer, is that right?  Lips pouty, face slim and the end result is what?  IT’S THIS:

Imagine my dismay when I discovered even Captain Kirk made the Duck Face!

And worst of all…my idol, my hero…Ozzy.  This one almost made me cry.

It can’t just be me that sees how ridiculous this is.  I know I’m not alone.  I can forgive Ozzy because…well, because he’s Ozzy and the man can do no wrong, but surely these girls see how stupid they look?  They just have to.  It’s an epidemic and it must be stopped.  There should be laws against it.  I think if SOPA is going to happen, there should be some kind of Duck Face clause worked into so people who violate this face law by putting these pictures on the internet are punished.  Just my opinion.

I’m done ranting  – for now.

This is one of my most favorite Ozzy songs.  Listen to the words.  It’s a great song.  Enjoy!

(Told you this would be random!)

And by the way…THIS is how a duck should look.  Cute, happy and wearing no pants.

Bad Dates Can Be Fun!

We’ve all had ’em right?  Those dates that just seemed to go on forever with no hope of ever ending – or so it felt.  From a woman’s perspective, anytime we go out with someone, we typically know within the first thirty minutes (or at least I do) if we’ll see a guy again.  There are signs we look for, little hints as to what kind of potential a guy has.  And yes, women go into just about every single date wondering “is this my forever man?”  At my age though, I’ll settle for the “six months  to a couple of years guy.”  I’m way past believing things last forever.  Call me jaded or cynical, but I’m also not stupid and see no reason to place unreasonable expectations on anything.

My standards are fairly high.  I want a man who is intelligent, funny, well-groomed, well-mannered, has their own life (so as not to be infringing on my space 24 hours a day), one who likes kids (I have one), one who likes animals (I have many), and one who shares some of the same interests – doesn’t have to be all, just some.  I prefer tall men.  I find long hair on a man very sexy (although this isn’t a deal breaker, I just prefer that rocker look).  I like tattoos (again, not a deal breaker but I have a few so if a man is turned off by them he’s out the door).  I like sex so that is a factor, too.  Means I can’t date priests.

Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day and while most folks will be going out this evening with a long-time love or at least someone they’ve been dating awhile, some are going out for the first time.   You must be prepared.  I realize today is the Day of Love and romance is in the air, blah blah blah but it could happen…Anti-Romantic Dork Guy could be lurking and if you’re one of the unlucky ones who happens to end up with him this evening, keep these ideas in mind for ending a bad date:

*  Eat your soup with a fork and spend the entire time complaining about the faulty utensils.

*  Periodically get up from the table, run around it a few times, flapping your arms and make bird noises.

*  Spend the entire date talking about how horrible your first period was.

*  If you can pull it off, wear a Cupid costume under your clothing.  When the time feels right, go to the restroom, come out dressed as Cupid and start pinging people will arrows shouting “LOVE!  YOU’RE IN LOVE!”   (No sharp points…otherwise, it’s a felony and this becomes a bad night for a whole different reason)

*  Ask the diners around you if you can take home their leftovers.

*  Lean over, start cutting up the steak for the guy at the table next to you.

*  If you’ve had a child, discuss childbirth in great detail during the meal.

*  Pretend you’re a turkey and end every sentence with “Gobble!”

*  Excuse yourself to go to the restroom.  When you come out, dance and sing all the way back to the table.  Make sure you take a bow before you sit down.

*  Ask your date to take at least one bite of everything on your plate and explain you aren’t paranoid, but just want to be sure nobody poisoned your food.

*  Try drooling and talking LOUDLY with your mouth full.

Now, I’ve never done any of these things…I swear.  That’s not to say I wouldn’t.  I’ve just not been so unfortunate as to have a date that required any of these emergency tactics.  But know, if I’m ever in the Bad Date Trap, I’d try some of them!

Enjoy your night out!  Happy Valentine’s Day!

Labels Belong on Clothing, Not People…

I am not even sure where to begin with this particular blog!

Recently, I asked friends on Facebook for suggestions on blog topics.  My friend Dee-Dee responded with:  “Blog about the human condition and stereotypes and how it is really hard to find genuinely nice people who do things just to be kind and how even though we have supposedly come so far, racism is still a huge problem …the human condition is that people cannot look past the skin/geographical location/socioeconomic class etc…and just see the spirit of one another that is made from and of love but is smothered by the stereotypes actually perpetuated by “religions”, government and even media and entertainment industry. “

Because this is a serious topic and not just my normal ranting or opinionated commentary on a random subject, I felt a bit of research was in order.  WOW.  Stereotyping truly runs rampant in our society.  Think about it…

Overweight people = lazy

White people = rednecks

African-Americans = criminals

Teenagers = rebellious

People on Welfare = only looking for a handout

Gun owners = bitter (and this one comes from our President)

Addicts = bums on the street

Homosexuals = incapable of having real relationships

Celebrities = shallow

Christians = holier-than-thou fanatics

Politicians = hypocrites

Law Enforcement = corrupt

Do I need to go on?  Isn’t this enough?  Sadly, the list is endless or so it seems.  And I’m guilty.  I will not lie and say I’ve not stereotyped an individual because of an entire group’s (man-made) reputation.  I have.  Most people do.

Where does it come from?  Here is where my opinion comes in – my belief is that it’s created out of historical data, misinformation, lack of thinking on our own and just pure stupidity.  In this day and age, it seems to me that we’d all be a little smarter and a little less judgmental.  We’ve come a long way people and it is time to stop allowing outside sources to influence us, start using our own brains and stop letting others think or make decisions for us.  Each one of us would rather be looked at as an individual right?  We want to be known for our individual style, taste, choices, ideas, etc.  So why is it okay for us to look at one person and lump them in with an entire group?  It isn’t.

With the examples I listed above, the fact is there are overweight people who are lazy and just eat too much and don’t exercise.  What about the ones who have a health condition that causes a weight problem?  Every single race has criminals so where is the fairness in applying that label to just one race?  There are a lot of teenagers who do great charity work, excel in school and respect their parents so why consider them all rebellious?  It’s true that some addicts are bums on the street but what about the ones who function everyday, earn a living, have families to support yet can’t break their addiction?  Not all politicians are hypocrites, not all law enforcement are corrupt,  not all people on Welfare are looking for a handout and yes, gay people can and do have real relationships, have families and can feel true love just like straight folks.  As a society we choose to toss out all of these labels largely because we do not take the time to look at each individual.  We don’t bother to look at the person.  No.  Change that.  We look but we don’t always SEE.  It’s lazy.  It’s unacceptable and it is inexcusable.  Every single human on this planet deserves to be treated with respect.  No one should ever be made to feel they are unimportant and unworthy and this is what we do when we refuse to SEE each other.

Stereotyping isn’t a substitute for facts.  Think about all the times people have said things about you.  Were the comments based on fact or based on assumptions?  How did it make you feel?

Think about a time when you’ve stereotyped someone.  Were your thoughts, comments or actions based in fact or did you jump to a conclusion?  Did you get to know the individual you stereotyped?  Did it change your opinion?

Consider what causes you to stereotype.  Are you influenced by media?  Friends?  Work on removing biases and prejudices and gathering facts before making a decision.

Adopt a bit of logic and give a person a chance to prove themselves before putting a label on him or her.  Give each person the respect they deserve by letting him or her define themselves.  Don’t do it for them.  Do you want someone else to define you?

See, the bottom line here is we are all humans, we’re unique, we’re individuals.  We have the ability to be kind to one another.  We have the ability to love one another.  We also have the ability to respect one another.  It’s not as simple as slapping labels on people just because that makes life easier.  It is a matter of truly reaching out to one another and getting to know a person for who he or she really is.  Dee-Dee is correct in saying, “the spirit of one another is made from love.”  We need to SEE with our HEARTS, not our heads.

So, having said all that I’m going to challenge myself and you, as well.  The next time you want to jump to a conclusion and put a label on someone, THINK before you judge.

Dun..dun…dun! SUPERWOMAN!

I have this special ability of annoying a particular person just by breathing.  Everything I say, everything I do is almost always wrong to his way of thinking.  This used to bother me until I realized this was HIS problem, not mine.   However, I had a friend point out the other day that this ability to annoy him just by being alive must be my “super power” which led me to thinking.  What super powers would women want if they had them?  Which powers would men want us to have?   Which ones do men think we have?  So, I did a bit of research.  I was astounded at the number of Super Human features a non-human can have!

This morning, I’m donning my cape (mine is pink, shiny, with a giant SL on it for Super Lisa) and pretending, for a moment, my life is a comic book.  My version of me in my comic book is stunning…really long waist length curly hair, bright green eyes, a to-die-for rack and a perfect round ass.  I rock in Comic Book World!  And yes, this list is likely going to offend men and it will come off as offensive because I’m fed up with them and because it’s my list and I can write it however I want.  Enjoy!

(NOTE:  My normal self is not at all man-hatey. It is just on this particular day when I began this blog, The One Who I Annoy by Breathing had really gotten to me)

SUPER POWERS MEN THINK WE HAVE:

1.  Energy sourcing:  Guys, our energy is not endless.  We do not have the ability to tap into a light bulb and make more energy.  At the end of the day after working, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, taking care of kids and pets, running errands and doing God knows what else is expected of us, there is a reason we aren’t in the mood for love.  We’re freakin’ tired.  Maybe if you would pitch in a bit more, you’d get lucky more often.

2.  Echolocation:  “Honey, where is the remote?”  “Hey babe, do you know where my shoes are?”  “Sweetheart, have you seen my car keys?”  NEWSFLASH MEN:  We do not have the ability to conjour up the location of objects you’ve misplaced.  There is no way for us to know where you left your crap.  YOU find it.

3.  Invulnerability:  Your words and actions can and do hurt us when you do not bother to think before you speak or do.  We won’t always tell you this because we like to sometimes secretly plot revenge against you, but know it’s true.  We are vulnerable and would truly appreciate it if you men were a bit more compassionate.  It could save your life one day.

4.  Telepathy:  Sweet baby crickets!  This is a big one!  Men, we can not read your minds!  If something is in there it works out so much better for everyone if you just say it.  Otherwise, you are leaving it up to women to assume how you feel or what you think and this never ends well!  Not for you, not for us.  Speak up guys!

5.   Size shifting:  Think we’re getting chubby? Maybe we’ve put on a couple of pounds?  Deal with it b/c this shit isn’t going to melt off overnight just because you want it to…and might we just point out that beer gut you’ve got going on?  Not near as manly as you think it is.

SUPER POWERS MEN WISH WE HAD:

1.  Mutation:  You joined in this relationship knowing how we look and while we may change over the years, you are supposed to love us no matter what.  Stop spending so much time ogling models and chicks who dress like whores.  REAL women do not look this way, you are insulting us when you do this.  We mostly hate it so stop doing it.

2.  Echolocation:  I mention this one again for the obvious reason.

3.  Super Speed:  NO, we can’t get ready any faster!  Back off!  We’ll be ready when we’re ready and if other women are anything like me, the more we’re nagged to hurry up the slower we move.

4.  Telepathy:  This one would let men off the hook.  They’d not have to speak (which admittedly can be a blessing at times) and we’d know what they are thinking.  No such luck.

5.  Accelerated Healing:  Honestly, I’m clueless as to why grown men revert back to toddlers when they get sick.  It boggles my mind.  So men, as much as we’d love to make it all better, we can’t.  You’ll have to let that little cold run it’s course!

SUPER POWERS WOMEN WISH WE HAD:

1.  Super Human Strength:  There isn’t a woman out there who doesn’t work her ass off to try and do it all and make everyone happy.   This power would come in handy every second of everyday.

2.  Shape Shifting and/or Mutation:  I threw this in here because it occurs to me how incredibly funny it would be to shape shift myself into the body of Marilyn Monroe then refuse to put out!   🙂

3.  Duplication:  If we can’t have Super Human Strength, this one will suffice.  More of us, more gets done.

4.  Invisibility:  This one should be obvious.

5.  Heat Vision:  Be glad women don’t have this one.  Otherwise, while walking down the street, you’d see a lot of men with holes burned right through them.

I started writing this blog three days ago (see?  I told you all I procrastinate) and in my head I’ve got several other blogs written.  Guess I better get busy, eh?

You guys have a SUPER day!

(Thank you Denise for the inspiration)

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