The Aging Birds and Bees…

DISCLAIMER:  If talk of sex and relationships offend you, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.  I’m not saying this is going to get into porn territory but I am saying there’ll be an “adult” conversation.  Still going to read?  Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

And Mom, you especially will NOT want to read this.

The other night, during one of Ghost Walk’s radio shows, we were all in chat and somehow to topic of food came up. 

Yes, food.  Bear with me…I’ll get there. 

We all threw into the chatroom our favorite foods and it occurred to me I’d not really eaten that day because I had no Prilosec. 

Yes, Prilosec – the stuff for acid reflux. 

OMG you impatient people…the sex stuff is coming up!  Just wait, bunch of perverts!  Jeez!

And that let me to mull over how, as we get older (and yes I am “older”) our basic needs and wants change so dramatically…like our favorite foods, what we can and can not eat after a certain time of day because we get so damn old our bodies begin to dictate our mealtimes, what we consider entertainment, the things we get excited about – like a damn nap during the day.  Then all of that led me to thinking about sex and relationships.

There!  Are you happy now?!  Here we go!

When I was younger, considerably younger, a “relationship” in my head constituted a period of time, dating the same guy or possibly more than one, with little conversation yet spending every minute with him and having a lot of sex.  A LOT of sex.  All day and night marathon sex, in the car, outside, in public – wherever.  It didn’t matter.  Less talk, more sex.  THAT was my idea of a relationship.  Aaaah, good times!  I could eat Chef Boyardee or pizza any freakin’ time of day or night I wanted to.  No heartburn!  Sleep was not an issue because 20+ years ago I didn’t need it.  I could go for days on no sleep and it didn’t matter. 

Jump ahead 20+ years and well, things aren’t quite the same.  Sadly.

Since my younger days, I’ve been married 3 times.  Yes, three times.  All of them to men who insisted on staying stuck up my ass 24 hours a day.  I hate that.  I hate that feeling of being smothered.  It is my belief that all people – married, not married, in relationships or not in relationships – need time to themselves.  No matter how much I love and care about a man, as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized I do not need to spend every waking second with him.  Really  men – go away for a little while.  Give us a chance to miss you.  We’ll appreciate you more.  Same goes for women…don’t be clingy.  Men hate that and it makes you look really damn desperate.  Who needs that crap?  Get a hobby people!  Anyway, I’ve gotten off track a bit. 

As we get older, those days of hanging from the ceiling or doing it upside down kinda fade away.  It’s a gradual thing, at least it was for me.  I still love sex, I still like lots of it, but how many of us now find ourselves doing exercises to limber up first or throwing some Bengay (the odorless kind – that “original” smell can ruin a mood) on our knees so we can get all bendy without excruciating pain?  Admit it…we get older and sometimes there’s a bit of prep time involved before we can commence to lovemaking.   Women, we can still seductively go away to slip into something more comfortable, but while you’re locked away in the bathroom, shoving the ladies back UP where they belong in that sexy lingerie, you’re stretching and medicating and hoping  like Hell in the middle of a hot night of sex you don’t get a Charlie Horse in your leg.  And well, you’re not 20 anymore so it’s not even a hot night, it’s more like a hot hour or two.  You can do this…you can get through a couple of hours without screaming “OMG!  LEG CRAMP!  GET OFF ME!” 

There is seldom anymore of the after sex “I’m hungry, wanna go grab a burger?”  and then after eating, quickly undressing and going at it again…probably in the parking lot of whatever fast food place you ate said burger.

It’s more like “Damn, I need a nap now.  Hey, you have any Tums?”  and after 8 hours of sleep, a cup of coffee, peeing, brushing our teeth, feeding the cat, and  probably peeing again because the coffee has gotten to you…THEN you can do it again, slowly of course because you’re still exhausted from the night before.   Or it might come down to not doing it and just saying “Oh babe,  I’m too tired.  Can we just snuggle?”  Then drifting right off to sleep.   Which is okay.  Snuggling is good.  I enjoy it tremendously.  But in the end, my man is going to sleep with a smile on his face.  Guaranteed.

Things change folks.  We get older and we have to make adjustments in our sex life.  It’s just how it is.  And while I’m on the subject, when in the hell did men get so lazy?  What happened guys?  I realize a woman on top is hot – we like it too, but honestly can you not do some of the work?  Just some?!  Younger men might be learning but Lord knows their trying and they REALLY try, but older men?  LAZY.  It’s a real shame. 

No matter how old we get though, sex is still great.  Honestly, even though there are more issues to consider as we age, I think it’s better as we get older.  It means more.  Most of us save our intimate moments for a person we truly care about, or I do anyway, and that makes a difference.  I’m a one man woman now and I couldn’t be happier.  No more of those slutty ways for me, no sir!  I need a man in my life who appreciates me for who I am, what I am, and can overlook all of those crazy things that happen to a woman as she ages.  

So to men out there who are older and insist on trying to hook up with a woman half their age, might I suggest finding a woman your own age?  We might be older and we might take a bit longer to get ready for sex, but in the end, we’re worth it.  We put in the time it takes to please you.  That makes us worth it.  Very worth it.

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