It’s a little early but I felt that getting this blog out there ahead of time might save a few folks from some embarrassment…and a night or ten in the doghouse.
The history of Valentine’s Day is rather complex and mysterious, believe it or not. It’s really not about some fat little cherub wearing only a diaper shooting people in the heart with a magical love bow and arrow. There is some real history with this special day. I won’t bore you with details and if you want to read more, visit the History website, but I’ll break it down for you:
Theory #1: this one is about a priest, Valentine, who performed secret marriages because a guy named Claudius decided married men made bad soldiers. Claudius outlawed marriage so his young soldier recruits wouldn’t be so bogged down with family, responsibility, love. This guy seems like a real ass but what do I know? Anyway, Valentine decided he’d take it upon himself to marry folks in secret only to be put to death once Claudius discovered what he was doing. Quite frankly, I think the whole “Emporer” title went to Claudius’ head and basically he was just a bitchy guy who obviously didn’t get laid much. Now some theorists believe Valentine was killed for helping Christians escape Roman prisons, but I’m not falling for it. The Emporer is GUILTY. Valentine’s heroic actions perpetuated love!
Theory #2: The story here is Valentine sent the first “valentine” himself. He fell in love while in prison (how exactly does this happen anyway? another day, another blog – I actually have a prison love story myself) and he sent a love letter to the girl he loved, signing it “From Your Valentine.” I can’t find any details about whether this girl reciprocated in kind but I like to think she did. Seems Valentine had a kind of rough life so he probably needed the affection.
Theory #3: Valentine’s Day is a celebration of St. Valentine’s life and death. However, others believe that Christians began the tradition of celebrating Valentine’s feast day during mid-February to give a religious spin on a Pagan event called the Lupercalia festival. In ancient Rome, spring was the season of purification and people spent ridiculous amounts of time getting rid of dirt and sprinkling salt throughout their homes. I’m giving a high-five to celebrating St. Valentine’s life and death because to put it bluntly, any day or festival that celebrates cleaning is crap. Who needs that? I want love and romance! Not a day or season dedicated to sweeping and mopping!
Whatever the real story behind this wonderful day (that’s sarcasm…I’m single…it’s not that wonderful) I think Valentine was basically a romantic guy who got the shit end of the deal. Quite frankly, if I see a chubby nappy wearing dude coming at me with a weapon, I’m kicking his ass. So, to help all of you (men especially because you guys always screw this up) I’ve made a list of the Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts Ever (these are in no particular order – they all suck):
1. Light-switch plate with a monkey & heart on it: I don’t even feel this one needs explanation just keep in mind men, that IF you give your woman this gift, every single time she turns on and off the light her ONLY thought will be what an idiot you are.
2. Fake roses: One word – TACKY.
3. Gift card or cash: unless your woman specifically asks for this, DON’T do it. The message here is “you are not important enough for me to waste time on looking for a real gift” or “I’m the laziest dude you know.” Either way, you lose.
4. Novelty sex gifts: fuzzy handcuffs, edible underwear, Aphrodisiac cookbook? ALL BAD. Guys, this is the one day a year we truly want real romance. None of these things say romance. What they do say, however, is that you either think of us as hookers (and if that is the case, just skip the novelty crap and hand over the cash) or that you are stupid enough to insult us in such a way you’ll never eat in our kitchen again, let alone have sex.
5. Heart-shaped doormat: really? I could not believe I even stumbled across this gift while on my search. Yes, if you want us to walk all over and wipe our feet on your heart and gesture of love, go for it but I don’t recommend it.
6. Small appliances: again, this is one of those things where unless we ask for it, don’t do it. This should be reserved mostly for a random day where you can say, without fear of getting clobbered, “Oh, I remembered how much you hate our old coffee pot so I got you this brand new Keurig!” Otherwise, don’t give your sweetheart a toaster because all she’ll do is stand in the kitchen, burning toast on purpose, wishing it was your head.
7. Repeat of the same gift you got last year: WE REMEMBER.
8. A flying squirrel: this one surprised me more than the doormat, but it seems some moron somewhere got his girlfriend a flying squirrel for Valentine’s day one year and subsequently, she ended up in the ER that night receiving a series of rabies shots. This does NOT spell R-O-M-A-N-C-E. Men, there will never be a time or place in any Universe where we’ll want a rodent for a gift. It just isn’t going to happen.
9. Anything weight loss related: Trust me when I say, women live with their own personal self images and they are seldom ever good. What we do not need is a reminder from the men we love that we’re not Supermodels. This is a sure-fire way to be sure you NEVER see us naked again so think about that one before making the purchase.
10. No gift at all: forget Valentine’s day or don’t bother with a gift? You’re doomed to a life of never being allowed to forget it and this is no way to live because we women can be relentless and we will go out of our way to make sure you regret it. This will also set you up for years and years of having to make this up to us which won’t be much fun for you at all.
The truth of the matter is, women just want to be acknowledged. I mean I can’t speak for every woman, but for me it’s just a matter of saying “I love you.” I do not need fancy gifts nor do I want them. This is not to say I’m giving permission for anyone to get me a flying squirrel, no. But all I am saying is if you guys will THINK with your HEARTS and pay attention to women, then you’ll know the right thing to do.
DISCLAIMER: This blog can easily be reversed so women don’t screw up, too. I do realize there are men out there who really appreciate romance and love to know they are loved. It’s just women are SO much better at being romantic so that’s why I aimed this towards the male species.
Happy Valentine’s Day!