GUILT…It Really is a “Dirty Word”

What a day…and I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way.

We’re having such terrible electrical problems at our house that I felt it necessary to take Emily (my daughter) to stay with a friend until we could get the problems resolved.  It was the right thing to do, taking her.  I know this. 

However, on my way home it hit me that when I gave birth to my 8 pound bundle of joy 11 years ago, I also unleased at the very least a metric ton of GUILT.  Being a Mom is the hardest job on the planet.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  If they do, they are lying.

Never a day goes by that I don’t question myself as a mother.  I mean, I know that for the most part, I do right by my kid.  When it conerns daily tasks that come with parenting, I’m good.  But the big stuff?  Oy Vey!  There are times when I feel I’m failing her and it’s not fun.  Luckily, she and I are so close that our communication (at least until she becomes a teenager) is at an optimum.  We talk, we talk often, and we talk about everything.  If she feels cheated in some way, she tells me.  For this I am truly grateful.  The fact she can come to me with anything, I suppose, is proof I’m doing okay.  But still…the worry is always there, right under the surface, sometimes like an itch I simply can not scratch.

I’m also a single Mom which I think sometimes makes it harder, then knowing my ex-husband the way I do, I can sit back and be grateful he’s not a real part of the process of raising our child.  Oddly enough, I think Emily is a bit glad about that, as well.  The truth is she and I have this amazing support system so we really are blessed.

This year though, it is going to be about making money.  Money to provide better for her.  She owns my heart and I want her to be happy.  I want her to be warm, to feel safe, to know she can always count on me no matter what.  Ultimately the responsibility is all mine, and I’m okay with that.  But when I feel I’m failing her, jeez…the guilt can be absolutely mind-numbing.

So, I Was On My Way To Tuesday When…

I stumbled smack into Monday. 

WHAMMO!

Absolutely was not as productive as I had intended today but I did spend 3 hours on the phone with a really great guy who made me laugh so hard my face hurt.  Three hours is longer than I’ve talked on the phone in over 20 years.  I wonder if I’m smart enough to keep up with Bret.  He knows a lot about a lot that I’m just ignorant about.  Probably I have a lot to learn from him.  I like the thought of that.

It is going to be really cold tonight which means it will be really cold in the morning when I have to get out and leave for work.  Which is ok.  I am so ready to go back to work.  This year is MY year and I’m going to make MONEY. 

Not much to report really.  I’m trying to wean myself off of Coke (cola) and stick with Gingerale which means my head is throbbing due to lack of caffiene.  Grateful that will only last a couple of days.  I’m still drinking coffee (yea, NOT giving that up) but only in the mornings now.  No more drinking it all day long.  No doubt this will help me sleep at night…DUH.  I’m possibly going to try and give up meat, at least red meat, so we’ll see how that goes.  I hate eating anyway so if I could, I’d just live on the most basic things – like eating a pickle out of the jar, declaring that an actual meal, and being done with it. 

Somewhere in the back of my head I’m contemplating a bus trip to Florida to spend some time with one of my best friends.  I’ve not seen her in years and miss her terribly.  Not sure I can do all of those hours on a Greyhound but I am marinating on it.

Must get to work on all things Ghost Walk.  I feel good about this year and have high hopes it’ll be our year to really succeed and see some pay off.    Major pay off or seriously, I”m going to start kicking serious ass.

Here’s looking at ya Tuesday…

Well, I’m Not Laughing This Morning…

Nothing, and I do mean nothing, can ruin a morning more than waking up to cat puke on one’s bed.  Ok, maybe there are worse things, but at this precise moment I can’t think of what they are.

Oh and ask me if I’d just washed all of my bedding yesterday?!  Yes.  Yes I did.  Just damn.

So I woke up, saw it, now I’m in a horribly foul mood and I can’t for the life of me figure out what my cat ate that made her so sick.  She stays in my room most of the time and really only eats her kitten food so I can only assume she got hold of a bad chipmunk on one of her brief excursions outside.  Damn that chipmunk!

I also woke up to a message from someone that irritated the crap out of me.  This person doesn’t really know me, yet he has chosen to “bash” the man I’m dating (Franky) and has made some comment about him “rolling off a cliff.”  WTH dude?!  I admit Franky and I have our problems, largely due to his drinking, but it also happens that I care about him quite a bit and it makes no difference if Franky and I are dating.  He and I will ALWAYS will be friends so to you…the man who thinks he can make me feel better and get me to fall in love with him by insulting people I care about – BITE ME.

And speaking of drinking…here is the thing that pisses me off about that.  I honestly do not care that Franky drinks.  His body, his choice.  He’s grown and can make his own decisons.  What pisses me off about the whole thing is the fact he can get pretty damn snarky when he drinks and it’s great for him because he never really remembers what he says, but for me the words sting for awhile.  So while he has the fortune of not remembering, I have to live with some things he’s said.   Granted, I’m a bitch and I can be horribly difficult to live with.  Anyone who knows me at all is aware of that.  It’s not a big secret and I’ve no doubt I’ve pushed Franky’s buttons when he’s been drinking, but c’mon man…get over it already.  On the flip side, he loves me.  Ya know that old saying “a drunk man’s word is a sober man’s truth?”  Yea…EVERYTHING Franky feels comes out when he’s drunk so I know he loves me.  Without doubt, I know this.  He’s referred to alcohol as his “liquid courage.”  I believe him.   The good moments Franky and I have together far outweigh the bad.  He’s honest.  He makes me laugh like no other man has ever done before.  He’s affectionate.  He’s intelligent.  HE CAN SPELL (and if you pay attention to anything I say on Facebook you know I hate a bad speller).  I am confused at times, but overall happier than I’ve been in many years.  I do not know what our future holds and I don’t spend much time dwelling on it.  I like to think that one day he’ll come home and be able to stay for good, but if not, that’s ok too.   I can say though he and I agree – this being apart from one another is getting harder and harder to deal with. 

So here’s to a New Year…looking for the positive, not dwelling on the negative…and to clean sheets AGAIN!  Must go wash my bedding ASAP.  It’s simply disgusting!

Happy New Year everyone!

The Funny Thing About Life Is…

What’s funny about life?  Well, just about everything if you put the right spin on it.  It helps to have a warped sense of humor though.

For example…

Two days ago I sent an email inquiry to a divorce attorney in my area.  I did this because while I have no problem going to court alone (NOT my first time at this rodeo!) I need a bit of help with the paperwork.  She responded with the most uninformed response I could’ve possibly gotten.  What’s funny about that?  I felt the need to write her back and tell her she’s an idiot.  THAT felt good.  I laughed. 

See how I turned it around?  I could’ve gotten discouraged.  I could’ve believed her.  I could’ve said screw it and just resigned myself to the fact I’m going to be married to an absent douchebag of a husband for another year.  But NO!  I found humor in it! 

We should all try to do that.  Find humor in even the bleakest moments.  It does truly help get us through the hard times.

So, since it’s almost the beginning of a new year, I vote we all work a little harder to laugh at life.  We take it too seriously, don’t we?  I’m going to work on not getting so down on myself and my circumstances and remember that no matter how hard I’ve got, there are others who have it much worse than I ever will, God bless ’em.  Maybe we should all work a little harder to help those who have it rougher than us, too.  Look around you.  Need is everywhere.  Just smiling and saying hello to someone you don’t even know could make all the difference to them so give it a try.  Makes them feel good, makes you feel good – it’s a win/win situation!

Stop the World…I Want to Get Off

Seriously, do you ever have mornings like that?  You wake up and the last thing you want to do is get out of the bed and face the world.  

And why is it when you have to get up and go to work “just 5 more minutes” turns into 45 more minutes and when you don’t have anywhere to be you can’t get those extra 5 mintes of snooze time no matter how hard you try?  This happens to me all the time!

Well regardless, I’m up now.  I’m blogging.  Promised myself I’d do this everyday, or at least as much as possible this year, and give myself the opportunity to get some of this crap clogging my brain OUT.  Releasing pressure, so to speak. 

Where to begin…

For starters, homeschool begins again for my daughter next Monday and I’ve got a ton of work to get done.  I’m the Queen of Procrastination, a long-held title that maybe I’m not so proud of.  No doubt I’ll be scrambling this weekend to try and get lesson plans done. 

I feel horribly guilty for not getting any work done for Ghost Walk yesterday, but I just couldn’t seem to find my mojo.  Long gone are the days of Prozac and how I miss those days!   The beautiful thing about Prozac is I could still be bummed out but I just didn’t care.  I want THAT life back.

As it is, I care about a lot of things probably too much.  I tend to dwell, I overthink, I rip things apart in my mind, think it all to death, make more out of what really is, and basically make myself nuts trying to answer questions that likely have no real answers.  Or at least no answers that will make me happy.  The truth is, I don’t have to like the answers – I just need to know what they are.  And I’m tired.  I am SO tired.  Mentally drained.  To the point where I’m simply stymied.  I get stuck and when that happens I don’t function well on a day to day level.  It’s like that saying  goes “I’ve so much to do I just decided to not do any of it.”  Easy solution right?  Yea, not so much.  Then I’m stuck all over again with the guilt of not accomplishing anything.  It’s a seriously vicious and ugly cycle. 

People have this impression of me, I believe, of a person who just doesn’t care.  It’s not true.  I do care.  I care and I worry and I stress just like everyone else.  The thing is, because of circumstances, I try really hard to bury it all and play the role of “strong one” when in reality, my strength is wearing out.  It’ll be interesting if nothing else to see how far I can go before something completely breaks me. 

Oh Prozac…come back to me!  I miss health insurance more than I can say.  I’ve got all of this “stuff” wrong with me, some of which is not good, and no way to fix any of it.  Which brings me to yet another difficult task I must face – finding a job with benefits.  I have a great job right now and would like to think that maybe it could turn into a full-time staff position but then I’m certainly not going to get my hopes up.  So it’s dust off the old resume and get to huntin’.  Soon.  Very soon. 

This year is going to be a GOOD year.  I’ll see to it.  Changes will happen and things will improve.  Despite my whiny attitude this morning, I do feel somewhat positive about 2012.  Happy New Year!

Unhappy Holiday?!

I started this Christmas day…

Today,  learned it’s possible to be unhappy on Christmas Day.  Who knew?!  I’ve spent 43 years of my life being so overjoyed at Christmas time that I had no idea this holiday sadness could cover me like a bad rash.  Well now I know.  Now I must get to the cause of it.

Oh yea, I had a epiphany.

It’s change that is bumming me out.  I’ve always heard we’re supposed to embrace change.  Typically, change is a good thing.  It’s  a part of moving forward and progess is always positive, right? 

Yea, not always.

You see, I’m a Mom.  My daughter is my life.  That kid has me so wrapped up in love that often times I feel I might explode.  You know that kind of love I’m talking about…it’s the one where you feel your heart is going to burst wide open.  Truly the best feeling in the world but this Christmas Santa has just become a pain in my ass.

My daughter is 10 and she’s pretty grown up for her age.  She’s outgrown toys and Santa is now officially “off the clock” at our house…forever.   THIS is the the THING that is making me so sad.  I’m going to miss him.  I’m going to miss the big build up and excitement that comes with waiting for Santa every Christmas Eve.  This year, my daughter understood that Santa needs to concentrate on the little ones who want toys.  She’s stepped down from babyhood and took a giant leap into tweenhood that has knocked me for a loop.  Granted, I initiated the talk with her about Santa.  Money troubles forced me to do so.  She was incredibly mature about the entire situation and seemed completely unfazed.  I, on the other hand, wanted to cry. 

So there it is.  It took me all day to figure out what exactly my problem was.  It’s change and change was not my friend this holiday. 

Having said all that, I do feel truly blessed.  I’ve got the greatest kid a Mom could ever hope to have.  She’s brilliant, funny, intelligent, quick-witted, talented, and understanding.  It is that understanding from her, when I’m feeling not so stellar in the parenting department, that keeps me going. 

Goodbye Santa, hello new traditions!