Bad Dates Can Be Fun!

We’ve all had ’em right?  Those dates that just seemed to go on forever with no hope of ever ending – or so it felt.  From a woman’s perspective, anytime we go out with someone, we typically know within the first thirty minutes (or at least I do) if we’ll see a guy again.  There are signs we look for, little hints as to what kind of potential a guy has.  And yes, women go into just about every single date wondering “is this my forever man?”  At my age though, I’ll settle for the “six months  to a couple of years guy.”  I’m way past believing things last forever.  Call me jaded or cynical, but I’m also not stupid and see no reason to place unreasonable expectations on anything.

My standards are fairly high.  I want a man who is intelligent, funny, well-groomed, well-mannered, has their own life (so as not to be infringing on my space 24 hours a day), one who likes kids (I have one), one who likes animals (I have many), and one who shares some of the same interests – doesn’t have to be all, just some.  I prefer tall men.  I find long hair on a man very sexy (although this isn’t a deal breaker, I just prefer that rocker look).  I like tattoos (again, not a deal breaker but I have a few so if a man is turned off by them he’s out the door).  I like sex so that is a factor, too.  Means I can’t date priests.

Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day and while most folks will be going out this evening with a long-time love or at least someone they’ve been dating awhile, some are going out for the first time.   You must be prepared.  I realize today is the Day of Love and romance is in the air, blah blah blah but it could happen…Anti-Romantic Dork Guy could be lurking and if you’re one of the unlucky ones who happens to end up with him this evening, keep these ideas in mind for ending a bad date:

*  Eat your soup with a fork and spend the entire time complaining about the faulty utensils.

*  Periodically get up from the table, run around it a few times, flapping your arms and make bird noises.

*  Spend the entire date talking about how horrible your first period was.

*  If you can pull it off, wear a Cupid costume under your clothing.  When the time feels right, go to the restroom, come out dressed as Cupid and start pinging people will arrows shouting “LOVE!  YOU’RE IN LOVE!”   (No sharp points…otherwise, it’s a felony and this becomes a bad night for a whole different reason)

*  Ask the diners around you if you can take home their leftovers.

*  Lean over, start cutting up the steak for the guy at the table next to you.

*  If you’ve had a child, discuss childbirth in great detail during the meal.

*  Pretend you’re a turkey and end every sentence with “Gobble!”

*  Excuse yourself to go to the restroom.  When you come out, dance and sing all the way back to the table.  Make sure you take a bow before you sit down.

*  Ask your date to take at least one bite of everything on your plate and explain you aren’t paranoid, but just want to be sure nobody poisoned your food.

*  Try drooling and talking LOUDLY with your mouth full.

Now, I’ve never done any of these things…I swear.  That’s not to say I wouldn’t.  I’ve just not been so unfortunate as to have a date that required any of these emergency tactics.  But know, if I’m ever in the Bad Date Trap, I’d try some of them!

Enjoy your night out!  Happy Valentine’s Day!

Author: Lisa Summerlin

The Smoking Squirrel is my way of bringing happiness to the world. I firmly believe that laughter is the best medicine and sometimes we all need a negative-free zone. This is it. Enjoy!

5 thoughts on “Bad Dates Can Be Fun!”

  1. Lol…there has got to be a way to do this without totally embarrassing oneself. Besides you will never find the “whole package”…if this guy doesn’t work out I’m done with the whole brain damaged mess of them.

    Like

  2. Ha, I love your different ways of scaring off that guy you can’t wait until the date is over. I dated one guy my age and it was one of the worst dates of my life, he kept on fist pumping his chest during the movie and exclaiming, “That’s my guy!” I wish I had these handy dandy things to do in my back pocket to end it sooner. 😉

    Like

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